A Fluctuation of Sorts

I want to resign from my job

2008-07-21T12:52:00.000+08:00

Here I am as usual, fallen prisoner to my own crippled mind.
I am feeling lousy and I have fallen into the trap of not going to work.

I did not go to work last Tues and Wed, and have dragged myself to work on Thurs and Fri as I can't bear the thought of letting my assistant down.
I managed to stand in front of 24 people on Sat during my study launch and presented to them, confidently. I received good feedback and I felt good.

But I felt inadequte too and have been very down since yesterday.

I am at home typing. I didn't go to work again. Think HR is going to talk to me soon.
I just can't control my minds and mood. I really really feel very very depressed. It's me, but I can't get out.

I want to hurt myself, yet I don't.
I'm caught in a catch 22.

I'm afraid I may have to leave this job as I can't cope. but it seems so weak.

I am very down and my tears are stuck. I can't cry.
I really really feel horrible. want to run away.

what shd I do?

Somewhere in Between

2008-04-30T00:01:00.004+08:00

I'm happy.. Ok not quite happy but feel better and feeling able to cope.

I went for the interview today, they are keen to get my started on Friday.

I have to commence early due to handing over issues. My hubby and I have plans to go for trip before I start a job, so this was quite a deliberation.

Anyhow, the company feels that it's vital to work for a couple of days as the existing employee will have a change of job role and thus will not be available when I return.

On my part, I am a perfectionist and frankly I feel the need to know the current task and assignments at hand.

I have 10 hours to make a final decision.

My Dr says go ahead. he feels I perform better with structure and expectations. And though I have my more down days in the month of April, I think i can function.

But I'm scared.

I know we need time to be ready, I get this question from my hubby " are you ready to work?" I answered... " will I ever be ready?" I lived with this horrible mood roller coaster. I am starting a new job on Friday, I am scared. I feel confident in the day " Yes! I can do it!" I shout! And now at 12 MN.... I wonder and i get fearful and i get paranoid about whether I will get a mental breakdown.

Do you get this often?

Feeling gung- ho and all out, raring to go in the day and crying in the night? Being afraid to go to work the next day?

I can't be controlled by my moods... But it controls me strongly.

I can wake up and not wanting to go to work and that's bad.

I don't want to be like this.

I wish to have a change of brain.

But I can do it right?

I need to at least give myself a chance adn learn to cope with stress and recognise trigger prevailing factors.

something to smile about

2008-04-28T16:23:00.002+08:00

i feel slightly better. surfing the net and this catty picture is really cute!

How do you et them to cooperate?!!

love cats, they have their own mind and characteristics and they don't give a dam about what people thinks!

confused

2008-04-28T13:23:00.003+08:00

I cut myself and I'm not proud of it.

I just cannot cope and this red ugly thing staring at me is just ugly.

i Can't sleep and i may have to start working soon.. like maybe wed.. it's not confirmed.

i am really tired, i just want to cry and cry and stay in bed and no, i can't sleep even this morning.

when i work i really need to focus. this being a new job and all.. hubby is worried about my state of mind, that i may be stressed and not cope and may have a mental breakdown.

but when can i ever be ready?

when will another opportunity like this arises?

i'm very confused.

i need to go to the company tomorrow again for the 3rd interview.

i feel.. i haven't had enough time to rest. am i lazy? i rested since 29 march but it's not enough.

i felt that i haven't had enough me time. the time is for others. to look ok... to meet people for coffee.. to be there for them.

i need me time.

have to go out again this evening. accompanying friend for a haircut.

i just want to stay home!

Good day till the nights

2008-04-24T02:33:00.003+08:00

I had a good day today.

Went for an interview at 4PM. lasted till 530PM, walked around town, had some coffee and bought some korean side dishes for the fried rice my mum made.

Now, i am as usual PISSED!

I simply cannot comprehend why just cant sleep!

it's 0235hrs. I woke up at 1000hrs, walked myself tire out and now I can't go to sleep!

I took drugs, herbs... valarian, stilnox 20mg, Dalmadorm 60mg, my dwilling stash of 500mg seroquel, xanax.. all to feed a baby, me! I often wondered why the doses are so minute. well, all except seroquel when they 1st started me on them and i couldn't work.

I drank alcohol with my meds!

it's not working, else I would be sleeping.

i am a drug addict.

im pathethic and i dunno who to tell.

they all want me to sleep naturally. at latest 12mn. I can't! My hubby hates me using internet at night because it stimulate my brain.. i agree but i need to get this off!! i have nothing else left to eat or drink in this house that is sleep inducing unless i literally steal another 10mg of stilnox from my mum. My hubby need to sleep today. Rested for early AM conference call.

I watched TV, re runs of America next top model loves rene but I know she lost.CSI is showing now, so tempting. i am all out of options. lie on the bed and pray, surf the net or read a book.. no concentration for the last one.

i am going high and mad from not sleeping. my Dr. is on conference and ordered damadorm, i doesn't work!

*cries*

I can't sleep!

2008-04-22T04:00:00.003+08:00

i hate my f****ass self

i can't sleep

i'm irritated to the brink of going insane ( which is like strange cos I'm already am right?

i took all my pills with alcohol at see.. range of 12 am to last take 330 am.

i am wide awake!

wide dame asshole awake

i slapped myself, slam my head against the wall.

i want to jump.

its horrible

not to sleep

it may sound trivial to many but to me its horrible.

i might as well just hang in there till 6 and wake my husband up

see i want to kill myself

my dr gave prescription for Dalmadorm 3o to collect tomorrow. it doesn't work at all.

its money spend to make all of us feel better..

i tot alcohol and drugs are not suppose to mix?

fool!

IT' 410 AAM!!!!!!!

sleep deprieved

2008-04-21T02:35:00.001+08:00

i don't feel like writing.

I can't sleep.

want to drug myself....

zip zap short circuit

2008-04-11T16:42:00.003+08:00

i feel miserable.

that's too simple.. but i have no idea how else to describe how i'm feeling other than utterly miserable...

i have no desire to do anything.. all i want to do is sleep yet i have to fore myself to wake up at a certain time... otherwise i can't sleep again tonight.. and what is worse than not sleeping at night when the whole house is asleep and all you want to do is trash the house apart because of the frustrations of not sleeping?!!

i get this "short circuit" zap thing in my head and I know something bad is on it's way...

it goes ziip...zap.. like the current is out of functioning. how can I describe this to anyone sane?

i'm irritable.. i spent alot of money buying CDs, DVDs, clothes an groceries ( why do I need so much?) and now as I look at my finances, i need to start seriously to apply for a job. but I have only sent one CV out and I'm so damm proud of myself for that!

i have a confession, there were days during the week where i felt rather unsettled, agitated and I used a needle and slice the skin.. just seeing the skin tear apart makes me relaxed. just one line. I did it yesterday on my thigh and i hope no one asked where did I get the cut from....

i'm supposed to meet some friends from work tomorrow.... i just messaged them to tell them I won't be joining. I know they will get angry, mad, pissed whatever... but I just don't feel like joining them. Or seeing people....

i can't do it. i have no mood and i would be very happy to just curl up and die.. if someone will allow me to.

This will pass but i am angry, depressed, agitated and anxious.

Argh!

a week just passed

2008-04-05T00:32:00.002+08:00

I left my job 1 week ago...

and I slept my week away.

I can't sleep at night.. and when I finally fall into sleep, I have vivid dreams.

I can't wake up.. and when I do, it's almost 3pm.

What a waste of day.

Sent out a CV.. did some pottering around the house, gave myself a list of things to do.

Things that I had no time while I was working.

Well.. will try to get myself out of the house for some shopping I hope.

Having an impulsive streak to buy bags and shoes!

I need to do something

2008-04-02T01:31:00.002+08:00

I haven't been writing.

Didn't feel like it. alot has happen but the words just cant seems to flow.

I have so much to bitch.. abut the unfairness of work.. but not now, another time.

My last working day was end of March. I'm free now... idling aT home. much as I want to do so, I'm obligated to meet up with my friends and to run the few errands.

And, I need to look for a job soon, which means getting my CV and certificates in order.

I'm lazy, i want to stay in bed.. yet afraid that that will be all i'm doing.

I'm tired and mildly depressed. That whole work incident has drawn the shit and anger out of me and it just made me so mad!

it's 1.30am... i can't sleep. my husband s sound asleep. I took Xanax, Dalmadorm, stillnox, lamictal and i angrily swallowed 50mg of Seroquel.

I'm still typing....

And tomorrow, I will take all energy just to get up and not waste half my day.

I need to get my CV in order but I have no mood.

Argh! Angry with myself... this procrastinator!! urgh!

cut like a paper

2008-03-25T23:48:00.004+08:00

i'm depressed.

my head hurts. it doesn't feel good.

i'm going mad.

the noise of people at work mocking at me. that i'm useless, cannot take stress. their laughter.

i see them looking at me with disdain.

i am in pain. i want to die. want to slash the knife across my wrist. to poke myself i found needles and i poke myself. i cut myself and the blood cant stop.

i cant bear to return to work. just 3 more terrible hypocritical days.

the pain feels so good.

i want to cut more

i hate myself

im going down

i just want to die

A little motivation

2008-03-24T00:27:00.003+08:00

It's all a lie.

Beneath the clam exterior, I am a freaking nutcase.

I am dead yet I want to cry.

I need to motivate myself. It has been raining and I did dance in the rain.

To cool my temper.

To clear my head, my minds.

I'm a miserable wreck

Work was OK last week. Most of the immediate supervisor treats me invisible.

Like my comments doesn't matter anymore.

Colleagues from the science department were great. They brought me out for Japanese lunch and dinner..

My department? Maybe something small on Friday. These doesn't matter, I just want to be treated with respect and dignity when I'm working here. That it's more important to treat a person well when she is there, not when all is gone and everything is all for appearance sake only.

I'm still hurting inside.

I want to cry and draw a knife into the air.

These are in my head.

i am a broken child. playing in the rain and making the most out of this storm.

losing trust in all

2008-03-16T17:25:00.000+08:00

Just to let you know I'm on a low.
Feeling depressed.

HH (my direct supervisor/ boss) made comments about me to others that I'm not mature enough, that I'm resigning because I can't handle stress and can't people manage.

I gave reasons simply that it's time to move and learn new things.

Just partially upset why they would such things about me even if i'm impaired at managing people. Working with people, I'm ok. Maybe i'm just not management level yet.

Still feel awfully down and distrustful.

Yah, that's all.

Trust is a fool

2008-03-16T00:41:00.003+08:00

It's official.

I'm out of job in 2 weeks. that's it. 5 years of hard work just reduced to this pathetic state.

I am angry, fuming. My head hurts, could be the flu but my entire body hurts like hell. I slept the entire day. wishing that I wouldn't have to get up of bed, that i could just die.

Lessons I have learn:

1. Never ever trust anyone at work. They just want something from you. They just want to hurt you or use you.

2. Never ever et your boss know about the medical conditions. They look at you with tinted eyes. That when you call in sick, they do no believe you. That you are sick because your depression must be starting again.

They think that my medications affects my work. It doesn't.

I am only on Lamactil and stilnox to sleep.

Occasionally peppered with Xanax.

Stopped Zoloft because it made my hands tremble and seroquel because it made me fuzzy and tired and I needed to work.

I thought they understood, but no, they are prejudiced.

I am nothing but a nut case.

you should see the looks they give to me. Like have to get out of it.. etc.

That nobody would help you if you don't help yourself.

That you have wasted so much and now just a useless piece of shit.

I thought I was different, they were different, that they can see i'm doing well,just needed more med appointments recently that's all. but they form their own conclusion. it's over i can't work when there' no trust.

I hate JC. She started this, her bootlicking and politics game.

I really hate her.

I am so angry yet useless.

Feeling really lousy

2008-03-11T21:31:00.002+08:00

I have been meaning to write but couldn't bcos it just didn't feel comfortable typing a post at work.

I have been bothered by the comment my Dr made about me stabbing myself repeatedly. That if people are out to harm me, they don't have to do much, jut give me the knife and I will do all the job for them. And that me being being paranoid is just walking around the office with tinted glass.

Well, today work went quite alright, HH (my immediate supervisor) was exceptionally friendly bcos I produced detailed work for her in record time. I tried not to get too irrational...

But sometimes, I feel that it's so much easier to convey myself in written words.. Maybe I'm just skilled at masking my emotions if I could, unless on occasions when I'm just a flood gate. But beneath the ok outside persona I could master, i REALLY REALLY feel like SHIT!

I try not to dwell, but my insides hurts. I just feel frustrated, unloved and incompetent. That with all the niceness I get, people are laughing at my inability to handle JC, stress and that I'm a fool who think people genuinely likes me.

You asked, why do I want to hurt myself? If I do so, then where is my pride that I hold so fiercely on to? I want to hurt myself because I hurt so much inside. I don't know why. It's a gnawing pain, emptiness, hopelessness that just aches and hurts. I just want it to stop. I keep seeing myself at the edge of a roof, stabbing myself.. all these images in my head because I can't do it in reality. Or would I?

These images just keep filling me up when I am down. At night, I would cry. I have interrupted sleep because I am so afraid I would be late for a 7AM shift.

I don't know why I care or bother to be good at work. It doesn't matter right?

Anyway I have no idea how to paint this emotions as I am crying as I type this.

Probably have a shower, watch some TV and get some sleep.

I will be meeting D (my manager) at 930AM tmr, he emailed me asking me to arrange an appointment.

Not too sure if i have other options available. God please tell me what are your plans for me.

I have to go in looking composed and remain cool.

Goodnight.

Someone help before I go crazy

2008-03-05T00:28:00.004+08:00

I have been fighting with my hubby.

He does not understand, wants me to leave the job earlier.

But that's losing right?

i'm very angry, very upset.

i want them to pay for what they have done to me.

i want them to suffer.

I want her to suffer. what gives her the right to think that she can come in and take my position and play politics and get the mgt to agree with her?

i want her to get what she deserves. she is a bitch and a low life.

she will not get away.

i have nothing but hatred for her.

i woke up and think why am i still alive?

isn't it easier to be dead?

e talking. that mental cases shd be locked at home.

then i hear her laughing, them laughing.

my heard hurts i feeling horrible.

i want to scream and cry out but nothing comes out.

help me.

someone please help me before I single handedly fall into their trap and ruin the rest of my life...

i am scared.

Lost.

worthless.

terrified.

i want to hid in bed and be safe.

please tell me what i should do...

please.....

Floaty

2008-03-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

I wish to go... just the courage to take the pills...

No difference from 2000...

2008-03-03T15:15:00.003+08:00

I really put my heart and soul into this job for the last 5 years.

I thought I wouldn't get hurt by people anymore.

But that's just wistful thinking on my part.

It's the same,8 years ago when I was first diagnosed.

My friends left me. Told me they couldn't stand being around me.

And now, this.

I completed my degree, had a scholarship attachment. Completed it ahead of time.

No one knows.

Except my husband.

My beloved supervisor who encourages me and help me when I had a relapse in 2006.

She has left the company.

Now, I am all alone.

I look at the people around me. They just want to gossip.

The new girls just want to be better than me.

To backstab me, to tell tales about me (well... just JC)

The management? They just lapped it all up.

I'm sure they plotted all these.

They are out to get rid of me.

I have completed so many projects. I get rave reviews from partners, from people that I have trained.

All these while on meds.

And now they tell me drugs affect my moods.

What irony?

I am very confused.

I do not want to give up my job and this income and this sense of self worth... but I feel that I have nothing now.

I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Dammit.

Want more pills and just not wake up.

Hate this feeling.

Discriminations at work

2008-03-03T15:02:00.003+08:00

Basically what they are offering is that they are thinking about creating a new role in another dept. It's not a promotion, just different role to learn new things that may help in future jobs search. They are not clear about the exact definition of the role yet as D (who is a Dr and the manager of this unit I'm in) is still thinking abt it and would like to speak to me.

Seems that HH told him over the phone that I'm resigning over JC. She told me that he thinks I'm immature and would want me to hold on the resignation as he wants to speak to me. That will be next Mon when he is back. I also clarified with HH and she is very certain that there will be no promotion for me this year bcos of my MCs. I dont think its fair. She told me that she is putting me up for consideration end last year, and last week says I definitely fall short due to my "glaring absenteeism" .

Personally I think they are discriminated abt me. She thinks I'm not to the job of an In Charge becos she needs the In charge to be around at work and if Im going to fall sick and take MCs,I could not fulfill the output. Also, ever since they know abt my condition, now that HH has conned me into revealing to the other 2 supervisor (Y and N), I'm sure they have discussed abt me. Y told me that with the drugs I'm taking, it may have effects on me. That the drugs affected my mood. They only know that I'm on medication, but exactly what drugs, they do not know.

I don't think its fair and im very angry. Bcos the drugs that I have chose to take has the least side effects. That I would sacrifice and not take the meds if it causes trembling, drowsiness etc. That they assumes that its all due to my drugs! I just think that they do not want to promote me, that all the MCs are excuses.

Bcos I looked into her eyes and told her that when Im on MC, I was really sick and what would she do if I had chicken pox and had MC for 2 weeks? She just talk abt the MCs=output nonsense. i'm at a loss.. I tot abt how hard I worked for the past year, but it's all my own dreams. I wasn't so determined to get promoted but now she really chose her over me. We all started at a junior position, but she got in at my level.

It's not abt JC anymore. She still irritates me but now I realized that it's all abt discrimination. That I shd have just saved my dignity and resigned when I was unwell instead of telling the truth. Now I have to endure all these humiliation and relegations to lower statuses.

Wanted to see my Dr today.. but what do we do? More MCs? That would just proved them that they are very right isn't it?

Im very depressed.

Cyan Mondays

2008-03-03T00:06:00.004+08:00

Last Monday, I tendered my resignation letter, my boss signed it and off I went to see the HR.

On Tuesday and Wednesday... I was called into the office again. We spoke amicably and she informed me that the manager would like to speak to me once he is back from an overseas trip on the 10th Mar. She told me the letter is on hold, I asked if we can't come to any compromise, would my last working be remained on the 28th Mar? She said yes.

There's an opening in anther dept. Still in the thinking mode. Nothing's confirm.

They told me not to be silly , to resign over a f*** up lady.

She is a trigger but i had enough of working.

I pushed myself. Im not considered for promotion this year.. simply because I took my entitled days of 14 days Sick leave, with medical certs. It's not fair, i can't get sick?

SHe know i have other problems and i supposed that are conveniently factored in...

i do not wish to work.

i wish to die.

i hate myself, I want to cut, to take my pills and pray for death.

why am i so tortured?

why??!!

am i?

2008-02-20T00:32:00.003+08:00

not too happy abt the previous pot

am i such a person,

it's sad. crazy.

maybe i will work on it

*yawn..

would the med let me sleep?

im tired.

some test i took.

2008-02-19T21:40:00.001+08:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Stability	\|\|\|\|	20%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|	16%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|	16%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|	16%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	37%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Indie	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

i so do not like myself what they have analyse

im not a good frind True

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:

introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual

To place your results on your own site use the following code:

head hurts, inside hurts

2008-02-19T20:52:00.000+08:00

Im not so good.. not so bad. a little calm. but often feel light headed in the morning at around 1030 to 1130. light headed. and when im well in the day, coping well, dealing with her nonsenses and trying the my best not to let her affect me.. not to let people affect me, i would get a terrible headache by the end of the day. mostly occur in the evening. i would feel like im not in my body, light headed, alternating between tired and trembling, heart racing slightly. hand shaking. and yes, nauseous. this has been happening frequently in the last 2 weeks. is my body trying to tell me something? i try to control my attitude . but it's so tiring to fight all these. im tired. yet everyday i have to motivate myself to get of bed sometimes i wish it will end. wish that i don't have to be accountable to so many people. very sad.

Not good

2008-02-18T23:38:00.002+08:00

i'm stressed with work.. the people at work.

i'm tired of fighting.. of how my brain is dead tired at the end of the day.

How the bells starts ringing and I can tell that i'm have an attack again.

No one knows. The pain, the noise and the thoughts.

I have to keep it down and wrapped it up.

It's a secret the world can find. And i would lose my job.

tired.

want to cry.

I just want to be happy.

2008-01-08T00:48:00.000+08:00

Not to think that I'm useless. Not to cry at every provocation.
I feel ugly and lonely.
I feel stupid.
It's only 8 days pass new year. I'm afraid that I would have a relapse. That this would all would be in vain.
I can't breathe.
I wish I can just die.

I want to sit in a cafe and not work.
Be happy and relax.
I miss how humans feel.. or do I?
This is a privilege of the special cult.

Not happy

2007-12-22T02:11:00.000+08:00

I am not happy.
Felt really really lonely, depressed and sad,
Contemplate suicide,

Wish could end this.
Violent mood swings.
Back stbbing colleagues

Who to trust?
It's an issue.

I lost all mood. Haven't done christmas shopping.
I wish I can abused the drug, To take lots, drink alciohol
To get a high.

I'm really down.
Tired.

I want to kill myslf at this instance.
Want to cry, to cry for the emptiness and pain no one else felt.

Trust is an issue

2007-12-15T01:36:00.000+08:00

I have done something unintentionally to hurt another perosn.
Fact is, I felt threatened by her.
I don't trust her.
I have an issue with trust.

I need to separate work and my live.
I cannot keep thinking of who is going to back stab me, make use of me etc.
I will go even crazier.

I dun feel good. The happiness is dwiddling.
I get frustrated... paranoid.
The threaat is there... I'm wary and on my guard.

She seems nice, but I have been betrayed and hurt by others. I just find her fake. I don't trust her... yet I have to work with her closely... I dun get good vibes.
Not keen to play politics.. but who is playing whom?

Strangely happy

2007-12-04T20:09:00.000+08:00

I have been on Zoloft for 3 weeks and I feel strangely happy.
I have been sick for 3 weeks..
Bad bad cough, flu, so sick, so physically sick.
Yet, I feel so good. That I can work for the past 3 weeks. That I can get up in the morning and didn't have to drag myself to work.
I'm not sure. Should I be happy that I'm feeling strangely happy? Or should I be bothered that I need medications?

I saw my Dr, we continued my med, to get through X'mas, the next month, then we would start to reduce it to the minimum.
He says that it's ok for me to be back on med, that sometimes I just need that lift.
He's however, worried that zoloft may induce hypomania.

I felt a little sad today but as I'm typing.. my mood is lifting.
Let's see how it goes.
As for my cough, it's getting better with antibiotics, meds and lots of vitamins and herbs.

=)

Something striked me today..

2007-11-20T10:38:00.000+08:00

The happiest people in the world are not those
who have no problems, but those who learn to
live with things that are less than perfect .

Somehow, this stays in my mind today. I am grateful to God, to my love ones, to all who love and support me. I have learn that sometimes in life, it's hard to be perfect. That nobody can ever be perfect.
I have to learn.
I have to learn not to let this illness gets me down.
But it's so hard.
If I have learn, I have tried, why does it keep attacking me?
Why does it affects my life that I have learn to accept?

No voice

2007-11-19T02:08:00.000+08:00

By the way, I lost my voice.
Quite sad, especially on Fri, when all I want to do is talk and talk and talk.
Want to sharre my ideas and opinions. But I have no voice. They are kind to listen to my whispers and croacks, and i felt grateful that my 5 senses are intact and having that, I have no reasons to be depressed.
But these thoughts do not stay when you want to lie and cry in bed.
When you are tired and think the whole is plotting against you.

I must be positive and remember the good, better and days to be gratful for.

Feeling good on meds

2007-11-19T01:38:00.000+08:00

I feel pretty good with Zoloft.
Surprisingly clamer, happier and strangely enthuiastic.
I know this is short term.. that he will revert back or reduce my med in 3 weeks time when I see him next,
He thinks medications are not a miracle.. which I know it's true.. but it helps didn't it?

This is artificial happiness.. but i like feeling something for once.
My life was partially dead.
I experienced grief when she left.
She's flying off to another country for work today, I just spoke to her. She is very stress and is trying to cope to learn with new things.. I encouraged her and told her she can make it through.
She's inflight now. Hope she will be OK there. all alone...

My doc gave me something to help in my sleep. He is so funny. It's a capsule and he instructed to take half. Tell me.. how to take half of a capsule?
Pour out the powder? I took one instead.

Medications made me feel good. I'm on leave tomorrow. Have to work on Tues, starts the cycle again.
Only downside.. Zoloft makes my hand tremor slightly.. not good when I need to work. Kind of lessen my self confidence.

I feel good the whole of today. Hope this good feeling last.
Really artificial aren't I?

Damaged

2007-11-14T00:43:00.000+08:00

I wrote this in year 2005.
Felt damaged. Still do.
This loneliness will never leave..
i'm just Not perfect anymore

In this world, surrounded by beauty, i am just but a damaged butterfly.
My wings are clipped, i can't fly. i am damaged....

Is it true that in this world, this society, once you are tainted, once you are damaged, you can no longer be as beautiful?
Maybe its just insecurity. Maybe it's just personal expectation that is a tad too high.
Would people mind? is it better to just leave them with the memories that you have created for them than to reveal what lies beneath?

let them bask in the beautiful facade that haunts them, not let them be haunted by the brokenness that is held together with all ounce of dignity.

are personalities personated? do we consciously want to play the part of whom we perceived ourselves to be? or do we act in the ways we think others like us to be?

I have no idea whom i am. Which side of me is true, which side of me is an imagination...

Which is real? Why don't anyone believes?
Why do I have to go through this over and over again?
Why torture me? Why an I so alone?
-----------------------------------------------

“Damaged” by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would i know

I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can't go back

I'm scared

2007-11-14T00:36:00.000+08:00

I'm scared.
I have to return to my job tomorrow.
Worried I can't cope.
I'm anxious.
I took so many med. I dun feel the "high" urges.. to sleep.
I worry that I only have 4 hours of sleep.
I'm depressed.
I'm scared.
I dowan to return... but I'm trapped. I can't escape.
I have no appetite.. (which is good for me)

Basically I am anxious.
I want to hide.
I want to pretend I'm fine.
I can't concentrate.
It's tiring having to pretend
I'm tired,

I wish I won't wake up.
Should I eat more pills?

Distance

2007-11-13T02:24:00.000+08:00

My Dr told me to keep a distance from L.
To prevent myself from feeling raw, exposed.
He says, best to keep professional and personal aside. Have a barrier.
I'm now scared.
I don't like to not be in control.
I don't like it when people knows too much and tries to help.
Thay can't.
It's not so simple. Not so easy.
They think they know everything.
I'm scared.

Likes being a little girl

2007-11-13T01:24:00.000+08:00

I saw my Dr with my hubby this morning.
it was insightful. i persuaded him for more meds. Gave Zoloft 25mg, Lamictal 100mg (up from 50mg) , stilnox and rivotril 0.5mg BD.
He's not keen.. says medications are not miracles.
But agreed to use it to get through this period.
I hope I can be better. Just do not like the side effects of Zoloft (slight hand tremors).. not good when I need to work.
Wnat to be free from it all. To stay home and sleep, to watch TV, DVDs, movies and surf the net.
To escape responsiblities and the facade of being me.

My mum keeps all my meds. I surrendered them to her. To prevent and avoid overdose.
What a child.

So we walked along the streets today.
ended up with shiny, polished teeth =)
nothing in particular, we walked, held hands, talked and I shopped. (heeheh) I keep spending. I can buy more.
I enjoyed every moment with you.

My Dr says he's strong, he watches me because he has to.
I complained about invasion of privacy. But it's compromised.

I have beensleeping on the floor lately. Waiting for him to notice I'm not by his side.
Liked the feeling of being "carried" to bed. Like a child.
Wants him, to test him to see if I make a difference.
But more of likeing to being treated like a little girl.

He has to work tomorrow. I have another day rest to get better (like can I can better in 2 days?!!?)
But better than none.
I have plans to bring mom out to eat.. or maybe to go grocery shopping, to return the movies I have rented.
But my gut tells me I will be in bed. Miserable and wanting to sleep and escape again.

Please don't leave me tomorrow.
Don't go to work.
I need you.

False Positives

2007-11-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

I think he's really angry.
I think he hates me.
I think I should sleep early to avoid a fight.
I can feel it.
feel the itch of a fight.

I get sleepy in the day.
Alert in the night.
But nights are destructive, to self, to others.
But night is where I can think.
Where I can feel.

I hate routines.
I hate having to sleep early just to avoid a downfall.
To be able to function at work.
I hate it all.
I hate myself.
I just hate hate haTE!!

But I so need to be normal.. to function.
I'm a miserable wreck.

Will be seeing my Dr tomorrow.
Will he add any meds?
Or would he say I can carry on?
I think I need some addtional meds to carry me on for awhile..
Till this gets over, better.
It will never be totally over.

Just false positive.

Irony

2007-11-11T23:37:00.000+08:00

I wish I can pick up the phone..
Call out to everyone.
Hey! Look at me! I'm depressed.. Do you know?
Isn't it great?
Are you scared of me? Ha!

I wish! I can scream at everyone, Look at me!
Aren't I doing great?
I have a degree.
i have a job!
But pity me so, I need medications!
Ha!

What irony!

Wouldn't that be seeking attention? Like so many people believed about depressed people?
Ignorant fools!

2007-11-11T23:33:00.000+08:00

everybody just go away please...
please leave me alone.
why is everyone stressing me to get well?
dn't I want to recover too?
To function?
Why are you watching me like a hawk?

Lonely

2007-11-11T03:15:00.000+08:00

She is both hubby and me favourite actress of all times. for the past 10 years.
She looks lonely curled up. it's posing. But i feel lonely.
Lonely. Lonely . Lonely.'
Wish I'm prettier, smarter, not empty.

I sit on a chair in a crowded room but i'm all alone. They don't exist. The just looked through and I pretend I know.
I'm empty, I'm lonely. and I heart her. she's great.

I want to throw everyting!

2007-11-11T02:37:00.000+08:00

I have plans.. alot of simple plans.
To pack, sort and tidy my place. To categorize my DVDs, CDs, DVDs- Drama, DVDs- Movies.
Into each box. wait, I need to get nice pretty boxes, that prevents dust from entering.
also, I need to throw things which I do not want, but kept just because I feel sorry for them.
Just because there may be uses for them.
I need to organise, to clean, to de clutter, to do so much.
I throw away stuffs often this month. makes me feel good. Better.

I want to throw all away! All into the air, cry and scream.
I know if I do that I will regret in the morning,
Don't you hate nights?
Make you think of new ideas.. and when you fail, you feel like an idiot.

I wanted to get a present for a friend. Her birthday is on this Wed. I went to the shop on Fri, at 8PM. The movie she wanted was there. I thought, will get it tomorrow. I went back, it's gone. I wanted to cry, I got it all planned out. I feel useless. Can't even get something simple.
Now I look at what I have hoard, I dunno what to give away, what to sell. Hate to stop buying just because I have no space.
I hate everything. I will do whatever I want. Fuck it all.

I spent and I thought it's ok. I didn't know so much has gone in the span of 10 days.
what can I do that is right?
When can I have more space?
When can I stop feeling stupid?

fragile, broken and in knots

2007-11-10T02:38:00.000+08:00

when your heart is broken..
can it be fixed?
can it be put together?
strings and tapes,
ducts and glue.
when it's shattered
what's left of it?

Can it function
can it feel
can it love

will the pain remains
the emptiness
the once hopeful dreams

it hurts so bad.
for reasons more than I can say.
fragile and holding on.

it's will be good

I'm better

2007-11-10T02:23:00.000+08:00

Hubby brought me to a nice hotel stay, he knows how much I love to soak in bathtubs.
Threw tantrum at him yesterday. Angry that he's sleeping when I couldn't.
Screaming, scratching and begging him to divorce me. Felt that I'm dragging him down,, that he deserves more.
Thought that if I'm out of his life, I can kill myself and he wouldn't know.
Ambivalent.
But I cried. I see the hurt in his eyes, I cried.
He asked, what can he so to make me better? Happier? I try. He understands.
I hate to see him sad.

My eyes hurt yesterday. I checked in and slept.
Feel better.
He is such a great man.
I'm sorry.

heartbreak and goodbyes

2007-11-07T01:07:00.000+08:00

I don't want her to leave.
I don't want Hut to leave me. The company. She is my pillar.
I don't want to be abandoned again.
she has a new life ahead, but i cannot take it.
I can't breathe.
My heart feels heavy, it's ripped. it's bleeding. I have never felt so emotional like this for a person for such a long time.

I cry. I'm regressing into a kid. I want tohold her and beg. But i'm an adult. I have to pretend to be cool. To be composed and say my goodbyes. No hugging least I cry. No crying later. People will talk. A girl creme told me 'fake strenght. cry and they will gossip that you can't fufill your new duties, they will wait for you to fall'

so pain stays, but a sad smile will walk her out. we are friends. this is not the end, but I need her at work. she's the reason why I stayed, why i'm in existance, why i'm at work,
i don't want her to leave me, to leave this safe heaven that L potray.

I'm not ready. I want to cut my heart out. at least the pain has an origin.
Shoulld I cut myself to see blood. would it make me feel better?

scream and rip

2007-11-06T22:14:00.000+08:00

I am so angry!
Angry that my mum violated my privacy. Out of curiousity, she looked through my drawers because I cleared it out last Sun.
Her reason, she wanted to see what's in it. How much I have thrown away. I knew my things have been shifted. I have a system. I'm obsessive of how I placed my things. I know when someone else looked through or touched my stuffs. both at home and at work.

I'm trying to take things easy. Not wanting to say anything that would hurt her feelings. I'm so angry now, I want to gulp down all my pills.

I hope she hasn't seen my personal stuffs. Letters and stuffs. She's curious. Harmless. I'm trying to justify.
It doesn't seems as though shee has seen what she's not suppose to see. But she has seen my protection which she claims she has no idea. Do I believe her? Why not? I'm legally married.
It's just.. for so many years, she never touched my things other than to pack or clean or tidy up.
I have never felt intruded. Not like my friends.

But today.. I felt so violated. So angry. I have hatred towards everyone. I want to scratch myself till I bleed.
And I have to pretend tomorrow again.

I need a shower. I want to scream and rip it all out.

scream!

2007-11-05T23:04:00.000+08:00

I feel strange.
Not really good.
I went to work, I collected my night med from my Dr. Didn't make an appointment, didn't get to see him as he has left.
He came back last Fri. Sent me an encouraging email.

I felt fine. Tired. Went into Starbucks. Bought a Latte.
Then it started as I sat down. The noise. It overwhelms me.
My head.. it felt detached. I feel sick, i don't feel real. I want to scream in the middle of the shopping centre. In Borders, on the street.
I walked, i browsed. I bought a notebook that cost $11 for it looking pretty cool. I could spend more.But I lost interest.
I found a book, I read. The head, the place. I don't feel good. Panic attack? Suddenly I felt closed in. The people... they are everywhere. The noise, it's making me cry inside.

I want to stop pretending. I am so tired. I hate to carry on, to work, when all I want to do is curl up at home, in bed. Not seeing anyone. Stop pretending to be efficient and smart.
I want time to stop. Just a day, no make it a week. Just let me disappear and nobody notice and I will come back and start the show that nobody knows that it has stopped.

Do I need to stop? To lose this momentum? I'm at a loss...
Routine is good. When I tell myself I can continue.. am I lying? Cos I feel it's coming. The lows. I'm controlling it, but I don't know how long this can hold on. When I feel like throwing it and just scream.

I really hate this. The confusion in my head. The battle of logic and chemicals.
I don't feel real. I don't feel so good.

artificial.fakes in this world

2007-11-05T00:52:00.000+08:00

This world is dam artificial.
I am artificial, in less than 4 hours, I need to get my ass out of bed. trugged through the rain and into this "safe haven" dubbed by L. My foot. i need to pretend. all eyes are on me. the cruelty that some looked at me, waiting to see me fall ( they do not know abt me) but they are evil, they can't wait to see me fall, can wait to hear gossips about me.
I am just entertainment.
I pretend.
I will be what they want to see.
I lost myself long ago.

i found letters i wrote for an ex plus some pix today while clearing the drawers. I read it, and i threw the photos away. cut myslf up too. what hurts me was this sentence he said ' if you want to break up fine. i can live without you. But you can never live without me". 6 years and it hurts.. from someone who causes this breakdown, who treated you like dirt, like shit after you have been diagnosed. it sucks. i do not miss him or have any feelings for him now. but those words, those thoughts, thouse impressions of what happened came inching into your mind. it make me sick.

i can't write as well. im artificial.]
i need to sleep. to get my aartificial life going.
i am so a fake.

Ezposed. Raw, Naked

2007-11-04T01:21:00.000+08:00

i felt exposed. Naked. Raw.
I have changed my direct supervisor. The boss of my pevious boss Hut is now my direct boss.
She knows all about me. She helped alot last year, trying to understand and nopt passing hurtful remarks.

She is a Christian and her thinking is very different. She toks abt depression being the battlefield of the mind. She prays alot for me. During our 1:1 session on Thurs, she asked alot, how it came about. what triggers it. i told her, my life story.
After that i dun feel good, i felt empty and expossed. I have a barrier and i felt this it has been taken away. that now i would have no more protection.

i like to keep things to myslef, No point sharing.
God works in miraculous ways but i wished that i hadn't said too much.

i have memorty lapsed. I placed blood tubes in ice when its to a ambient rack. I can't rememnber I did that.
wanted to wash my hair yesterday, i squirted the conditioner first.
I dun remember,,,

I'm losing it. I was confident at a 2 for the last 2 days. felt i was getting better and that it would pass. now i'm not so sure. t will attack me and I willl pray,

hubby do noot fully agree with L's. i'm confused with all these toks abt scriptures.
I can do it.
Now i'm just so tired. and raw, exposed and worried.

all curled up

2007-11-02T13:41:00.000+08:00

I feel truly blessed!

2007-10-31T00:39:00.000+08:00

Remenber I wanted to give a gift to a friend whom I felt needs it?
I gave it to her- this morning.
I got a surprise myself too! She gave me a strawberry shortcake doll! it's so cute! It brought me back to my happy days. my childhood.
Another friend- Hut, leaving next wed msn me says.. ' so many people loves you.. you can't give up on the, on yourself"

i wrote hut a card. I cried non stop. im very sad. my eyes hurts. i wish I can jump and say goodbye.

But I remember and thank God for his blessings.

I'm Bipolar

2007-10-31T00:38:00.001+08:00

You Are 92% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life.
Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

encouragement for others

2007-10-29T23:45:00.000+08:00

I felt happy earlier.
I went shopping. Bought a book, gifts and cards for few friends.
One is leaving the workplace next wed.
The other 2, feeling not too good recently.

I thought... why not make themm happy? cheer them up?
I really wanted to do it. To buy a little something, because they call out to me, and I somehow know that the gifts would be at home with the recipents. .. I hope. Heh.

I wrote a note with a card for a dear friend. someone who struggled depression. who is trying very hard to keep afloat. And when I read what I wrote, I realised .. that this is what I'm trying to tell myself. That God is here with me. He kept me afloat, I clinged on to Him, He loves me dearly and would not forsake me. If only I let go. I have to keep believing in His love. I love Him. And He loves me like His child. This message was meant for me. He works in miraculous ways.

I lost my temper. An inconsiderate neighbour above has a faulty aircon and it leaks water into my room and on my back. I was sitting just beneath the window. I didn't kick a fuss for i think a year. I bear with it. I adjusted my windows when I know that they are getting ready for their bed time. Why do I always give in? Why am I always the person being taken advantage of?
I want to scream and shout, to bang on their door, to let it all out. But no, considerate and me, partners. My friend. Meet me, the girl who is always too scared, avoids confrontations and let it all boils inside. Such a loser.

empty

2007-10-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

I feel dead.
I feel empty.
There are gaps in my spaces of time.
I can't remember what I did. And when I do, it all felt like a dream to me.
I wish I don't have to be responsible to anyone around me.
That I can be alone.
So that I can just die.

Visions just keep appearing in my head. Of me at the edge of the ledge. Looking down.
I'm so terrified.

I made it through today!

2007-10-22T23:53:00.000+08:00

Busy day at work. Woke up this morning wanting to kill myself and give it all up.
Realised I worked too hard for this. Forced- really FORCED myself to get to work.
Rained in the morning. Raining now.

Day was busy. Assistant was sick, I had to work doubly hard. Took my mind off my misery for awhile.
Glad that I made it, that I have something to show for the day.

Wanted to see my Dr today. To Beg for some meds. But as my luck was to have it, he's on leave for this week!
Hubby was really sad. I felt sad when I look at him. Do wished that he had married someone normal. That I hadn't gotten him into this. He's sleeping while I'm typing this, he's upset that I cried last night, that i couldn't sleep.
I should get some sleep.
Just wish that I can sleep forever.

So tired

2007-10-22T00:08:00.000+08:00

I don't feel good.
This feeling has stayed with me closed to 6 weeks.
6 weeks of agony and struggles.

i want to resign from me job. But is that what U really want or is this just the blues that's talking?
I told my Dr about the struggles that I felt everyday. He kept encouraging me, says I'm doing well. SO much better. He's not keen to increase my dosage nor to add on any medications. He felt that since I have been through this struggles many times, I will use the skills I have learnt to manage this, to get through this.

I understand. Or do I?

I have seen him for 5 years. He taught me alot. I have gotten to know myself better. Alot are common sense. I wished for a day this will be over. That I will be normal. That I will stop my medications. That I don't have to give myself a prep talk every single day. That I don't have to pretend. That I can stop these struggles, these thoughts.

He told me that I have bipolar last year. This after almost 7 years of having cycles of depression. I felt a sense of relief, that I know what is actually wrong with me. That there is a more detailed sense of being. That it's not so vague after all.
Now it's more lows than high.
I used to be elated. Think quickly, photographic memory, needs little sleep, fun and cheery. Then I will crash. Cry, thinking of suicide, can't work, want to die and just rot in bed. He worrys about the lows. About me destroying what I have build up over the years. I'm happy being happy, being alert and smart. He argues, if you have this cycle constantly, you won't get to reap what you have built. He keep me between a -8 and maybe a 3. Being a 0 is not too bad when you can function. That's what he says.

But.. but wheres my life? I kept at it for almost a year. My last breakdown was in July last year. That's not too bad right?
Leaading a lifeless life. At a 0. No sadness, no joy. I missed myself being smart.

Now, I'm at a -6. I'm going down, I can feel it. I'm depressed. I want to kill myself. Tonight. But I can't.
I want to end it all. I'm a miserable wreck.