So tired

I don't feel good.
This feeling has stayed with me closed to 6 weeks.
6 weeks of agony and struggles.

i want to resign from me job. But is that what U really want or is this just the blues that's talking?
I told my Dr about the struggles that I felt everyday. He kept encouraging me, says I'm doing well. SO much better. He's not keen to increase my dosage nor to add on any medications. He felt that since I have been through this struggles many times, I will use the skills I have learnt to manage this, to get through this.

I understand. Or do I?

I have seen him for 5 years. He taught me alot. I have gotten to know myself better. Alot are common sense. I wished for a day this will be over. That I will be normal. That I will stop my medications. That I don't have to give myself a prep talk every single day. That I don't have to pretend. That I can stop these struggles, these thoughts.

He told me that I have bipolar last year. This after almost 7 years of having cycles of depression. I felt a sense of relief, that I know what is actually wrong with me. That there is a more detailed sense of being. That it's not so vague after all.
Now it's more lows than high.
I used to be elated. Think quickly, photographic memory, needs little sleep, fun and cheery. Then I will crash. Cry, thinking of suicide, can't work, want to die and just rot in bed. He worrys about the lows. About me destroying what I have build up over the years. I'm happy being happy, being alert and smart. He argues, if you have this cycle constantly, you won't get to reap what you have built. He keep me between a -8 and maybe a 3. Being a 0 is not too bad when you can function. That's what he says.

But.. but wheres my life? I kept at it for almost a year. My last breakdown was in July last year. That's not too bad right?
Leaading a lifeless life. At a 0. No sadness, no joy. I missed myself being smart.

Now, I'm at a -6. I'm going down, I can feel it. I'm depressed. I want to kill myself. Tonight. But I can't.
I want to end it all. I'm a miserable wreck.