I can't sleep!

i hate my f****ass self

i can't sleep

i'm irritated to the brink of going insane ( which is like strange cos I'm already am right?

i took all my pills with alcohol at see.. range of 12 am to last take 330 am.

i am wide awake!

wide dame asshole awake

i slapped myself, slam my head against the wall.

i want to jump.

its horrible

not to sleep

it may sound trivial to many but to me its horrible.

i might as well just hang in there till 6 and wake my husband up

see i want to kill  myself

my dr gave prescription for Dalmadorm 3o to collect tomorrow. it doesn't work at all.

its money spend to make all of us feel better..

i tot alcohol and drugs are not suppose to mix?

fool!

IT' 410 AAM!!!!!!!

sleep deprieved

i don't feel like writing.

I can't sleep.

want to drug  myself....

zip zap short circuit

i feel miserable.

that's too simple.. but i have no idea how else to describe how i'm feeling other than utterly miserable...

i have no desire to do anything.. all i want to do is sleep yet i have to fore myself to wake up at a certain time... otherwise i can't sleep again tonight.. and what is worse than not sleeping at night when the whole house is asleep and all you want to do is trash the house apart because of the frustrations of not sleeping?!!

i get this "short circuit" zap thing in my head and I know something bad is on it's way...

it goes ziip...zap.. like the current is out of functioning. how can I describe this to anyone sane?

i'm irritable.. i spent alot of money buying CDs, DVDs, clothes an groceries ( why do I need so much?) and now as I look at my finances, i need to start seriously to apply for a job. but I have only sent one CV out and I'm so damm proud of myself for that!

i have a confession, there were days during the week where i felt rather unsettled, agitated and I used a needle and slice the skin.. just seeing the skin tear apart makes me relaxed. just one line. I did it yesterday on my thigh and i hope no one asked where did I get the cut from....

i'm supposed to meet some friends from work tomorrow.... i just messaged them to tell them I won't be joining. I know they will get angry, mad, pissed whatever... but I just don't feel like joining them. Or seeing people....

i can't do it. i have no mood and i would be very happy to just curl up and die.. if someone will allow me to.

This will pass but i am angry, depressed, agitated and anxious.

Argh!

cut like a paper

i'm depressed.

my head hurts. it doesn't feel good.

i'm going mad.

the noise of people at work mocking at me. that i'm useless, cannot take stress. their laughter.

i see them looking at me with disdain.

i am in pain. i want to die. want to slash the knife across my wrist. to poke myself i found needles and i poke myself. i cut myself and the blood cant stop.

i cant bear to return to work. just 3 more terrible hypocritical days.

the pain feels so good.

i want to cut more

i hate myself

im going down

i just want to die

A little motivation

It's all a lie.

Beneath the clam exterior, I am a freaking nutcase.

I am dead yet I want to cry.

I need to motivate myself. It has been raining and I did dance in the rain.

To cool my temper.

To clear my head, my minds.

I'm a miserable wreck

Work was OK last week. Most of the immediate supervisor treats me invisible.

Like my comments doesn't matter anymore.

Colleagues from the science department were great. They brought me out for Japanese lunch and dinner..

My department? Maybe something small on Friday. These doesn't matter, I just want to be treated with respect and dignity when I'm working here. That it's more important to treat a person well when she is there, not when all is gone and everything is all for appearance sake only.

I'm still hurting inside.

I want to cry and draw a knife into the air.

These are in my head.

i am a broken child. playing in the rain and making the most out of this storm.

losing trust in all

Just to let you know I'm on a low.
Feeling depressed.

HH (my direct supervisor/ boss) made comments about me to others that I'm not mature enough, that I'm resigning because I can't handle stress and can't people manage.

I gave reasons simply that it's time to move and learn new things.

Just partially upset why they would such things about me even if i'm impaired at managing people. Working with people, I'm ok. Maybe i'm just not management level yet.

Still feel awfully down and distrustful.

Yah, that's all.

Trust is a fool

It's official.

I'm out of job in  2 weeks. that's it. 5 years of hard work just reduced to this pathetic state.

I am angry, fuming. My head hurts, could be the flu but my entire body hurts like hell. I slept the entire day. wishing that I wouldn't have to get up of bed, that i could just die.

Lessons I have learn:

1. Never ever trust anyone at work. They just want something from you. They just want to hurt you or use you.

2. Never ever et your boss know about the medical conditions. They look at you with tinted eyes. That when you call in sick, they do no believe you. That you are sick because your depression must be starting again.

They think that my medications affects my work. It doesn't.

I am only on Lamactil and stilnox to sleep.

Occasionally peppered with Xanax.

Stopped Zoloft because it made my hands tremble and seroquel because it made me fuzzy and tired and I needed to work.

I thought they understood, but no, they are prejudiced.

I am nothing but a nut case.

you should see  the looks they give to me. Like have to get out of it.. etc.

That nobody would help you if you don't help yourself.

That you have wasted so much and now just a useless piece of shit.

I thought I was different, they were different, that they can see i'm doing well,just needed more med appointments recently that's all. but they form their own conclusion. it's over i can't work when there' no trust.

I hate JC. She started this, her bootlicking and politics game.

I really hate her.

I am so angry yet useless.

Feeling really lousy

I have been meaning to write but couldn't bcos it just didn't feel comfortable typing a post at work.

I have been bothered by the comment my Dr made about me stabbing myself repeatedly. That if people are out to harm me, they don't have to do much, jut give me the knife and I will do all the job for them. And that me being being paranoid is just walking around the office with tinted glass.

Well, today work went quite alright, HH (my immediate supervisor) was exceptionally friendly bcos I produced detailed work for her in record time. I tried not to get too irrational...

But sometimes, I feel that it's so much easier to convey myself in written words.. Maybe I'm just skilled at masking my emotions if I could, unless on occasions when I'm just a flood gate. But beneath the ok outside persona I could master, i REALLY REALLY feel like SHIT!

I try not to dwell, but my insides hurts. I just feel frustrated, unloved and incompetent. That with all the niceness I get, people are laughing at my inability to handle JC, stress and that I'm a fool who think people genuinely likes me.

You asked, why do I want to hurt myself? If I do so, then where is my pride that I hold so fiercely on to? I want to hurt myself because I hurt so much inside. I don't know why. It's a gnawing pain, emptiness, hopelessness that just aches and hurts. I just want it to stop. I keep seeing myself at the edge of a roof, stabbing myself.. all these images in my head because I can't do it in reality. Or would I?

These images just keep filling me up when I am down. At night, I would cry. I have interrupted sleep because I am so afraid I would be late for a 7AM shift.

I don't know why I care or bother to be good at work. It doesn't matter right?

Anyway I have no idea how to paint this emotions as I am crying as I type this.  

Probably have a shower, watch some TV and get some sleep.

I will be meeting D (my manager) at 930AM tmr, he emailed me asking me to arrange an appointment.

Not too sure if i have other options available. God please tell me what are your plans for me.

I have to go in looking composed and remain cool.

Goodnight.

Someone help before I go crazy

I have been fighting with my hubby.

He does not understand, wants me to leave the job earlier.

But that's losing right?

i'm very angry, very upset.

i want them to pay for what they have done to me.

i want them to suffer.

I want her to suffer. what gives her the right to think that she can come in and take my position and play politics and get the mgt to agree with her?

i want her to get what she deserves. she is a bitch and a low life.

she will not get away.

i have nothing but hatred for her.

i woke up and think why am i still alive?

isn't it easier to be dead?

e talking. that mental cases shd be locked at home.

then i hear her laughing, them laughing.

my heard hurts i feeling horrible.

i want to scream and cry out but nothing comes out.

help me.

someone please help me before I single handedly fall into their trap and ruin the rest of my life...

i am scared.

Lost.

worthless.

terrified.

i want to hid in bed and be safe.

please tell me what i should do...

please.....

Cyan Mondays

Last Monday, I tendered my resignation letter, my boss signed it and off I went to see the HR.

On Tuesday and Wednesday... I was called into the office again. We spoke amicably and she informed me that the manager would like to speak to me once he is back from an overseas trip on the 10th Mar. She told me the letter is on hold, I asked if we can't come to any compromise, would my last working be remained on the 28th Mar? She said yes.

There's an opening in anther dept. Still in the thinking mode. Nothing's confirm.

They told me not to be silly , to resign over a f*** up lady.

She is a trigger but i had enough of working.

I pushed myself. Im not considered for promotion this year.. simply because I took my entitled days of 14 days Sick leave, with medical certs. It's not fair, i can't get sick?

SHe know i have other problems and i supposed that are conveniently factored in...

i do not wish to work.

i wish to die.

i hate myself, I want to cut, to take my pills and pray for death.

why am i so tortured?

why??!!

head hurts, inside hurts

Im not so good.. not so bad. a little calm. but often feel light headed in the morning at around 1030 to 1130. light headed. and when im well in the day, coping well, dealing with her nonsenses and trying the my best not to let her affect me.. not to let people affect me, i would get a terrible headache by the end of the day. mostly occur in the evening. i would feel like im not in my body, light headed, alternating between tired and trembling, heart racing slightly. hand shaking. and yes, nauseous. this has been happening frequently in the last 2 weeks. is my body trying to tell me something? i try to control my attitude . but it's so tiring to fight all these. im tired. yet everyday i have to motivate myself to get of bed sometimes i wish it will end. wish that i don't have to be accountable to so many people. very sad.

I just want to be happy.

Not to think that I'm useless. Not to cry at every provocation.
I feel ugly and lonely.
I feel stupid.
It's only 8 days pass new year. I'm afraid that I would have a relapse. That this would all would be in vain.
I can't breathe.
I wish I can just die.

I want to sit in a cafe and not work.
Be happy and relax.
I miss how humans feel.. or do I?
This is a privilege of the special cult.

Not happy

I am not happy.
Felt really really lonely, depressed and sad,
Contemplate suicide,

Wish could end this.
Violent mood swings.
Back stbbing colleagues

Who to trust?
It's an issue.

I lost all mood. Haven't done christmas shopping.
I wish I can abused the drug, To take lots, drink alciohol
To get a high.

I'm really down.
Tired.

I want to kill myslf at this instance.
Want to cry, to cry for the emptiness and pain no one else felt.

Damaged

I wrote this in year 2005.
Felt damaged. Still do.
This loneliness will never leave..
i'm just Not perfect anymore

In this world, surrounded by beauty, i am just but a damaged butterfly.
My wings are clipped, i can't fly. i am damaged....

Is it true that in this world, this society, once you are tainted, once you are damaged, you can no longer be as beautiful?
Maybe its just insecurity. Maybe it's just personal expectation that is a tad too high.
Would people mind? is it better to just leave them with the memories that you have created for them than to reveal what lies beneath?

let them bask in the beautiful facade that haunts them, not let them be haunted by the brokenness that is held together with all ounce of dignity.

are personalities personated? do we consciously want to play the part of whom we perceived ourselves to be? or do we act in the ways we think others like us to be?

I have no idea whom i am. Which side of me is true, which side of me is an imagination...


Which is real? Why don't anyone believes?
Why do I have to go through this over and over again?
Why torture me? Why an I so alone?
-----------------------------------------------




“Damaged” by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would i know

I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can't go back

I'm scared

I'm scared.
I have to return to my job tomorrow.
Worried I can't cope.
I'm anxious.
I took so many med. I dun feel the "high" urges.. to sleep.
I worry that I only have 4 hours of sleep.
I'm depressed.
I'm scared.
I dowan to return... but I'm trapped. I can't escape.
I have no appetite.. (which is good for me)

Basically I am anxious.
I want to hide.
I want to pretend I'm fine.
I can't concentrate.
It's tiring having to pretend
I'm tired,

I wish I won't wake up.
Should I eat more pills?

False Positives

I think he's really angry.
I think he hates me.
I think I should sleep early to avoid a fight.
I can feel it.
feel the itch of a fight.

I get sleepy in the day.
Alert in the night.
But nights are destructive, to self, to others.
But night is where I can think.
Where I can feel.

I hate routines.
I hate having to sleep early just to avoid a downfall.
To be able to function at work.
I hate it all.
I hate myself.
I just hate hate haTE!!

But I so need to be normal.. to function.
I'm a miserable wreck.

Will be seeing my Dr tomorrow.
Will he add any meds?
Or would he say I can carry on?
I think I need some addtional meds to carry me on for awhile..
Till this gets over, better.
It will never be totally over.

Just false positive.

Lonely

She is both hubby and me favourite actress of all times. for the past 10 years.
She looks lonely curled up. it's posing. But i feel lonely.
Lonely. Lonely . Lonely.'
Wish I'm prettier, smarter, not empty.

I sit on a chair in a crowded room but i'm all alone. They don't exist. The just looked through and I pretend I know.
I'm empty, I'm lonely. and I heart her. she's great.

heartbreak and goodbyes

I don't want her to leave.
I don't want Hut to leave me. The company. She is my pillar.
I don't want to be abandoned again.
she has a new life ahead, but i cannot take it.
I can't breathe.
My heart feels heavy, it's ripped. it's bleeding. I have never felt so emotional like this for a person for such a long time.

I cry. I'm regressing into a kid. I want tohold her and beg. But i'm an adult. I have to pretend to be cool. To be composed and say my goodbyes. No hugging least I cry. No crying later. People will talk. A girl creme told me 'fake strenght. cry and they will gossip that you can't fufill your new duties, they will wait for you to fall'

so pain stays, but a sad smile will walk her out. we are friends. this is not the end, but I need her at work. she's the reason why I stayed, why i'm in existance, why i'm at work,
i don't want her to leave me, to leave this safe heaven that L potray.

I'm not ready. I want to cut my heart out. at least the pain has an origin.
Shoulld I cut myself to see blood. would it make me feel better?

scream!

I feel strange.
Not really good.
I went to work, I collected my night med from my Dr. Didn't make an appointment, didn't get to see him as he has left.
He came back last Fri. Sent me an encouraging email.

I felt fine. Tired. Went into Starbucks. Bought a Latte.
Then it started as I sat down. The noise. It overwhelms me.
My head.. it felt detached. I feel sick, i don't feel real. I want to scream in the middle of the shopping centre. In Borders, on the street.
I walked, i browsed. I bought a notebook that cost $11 for it looking pretty cool. I could spend more.But I lost interest.
I found a book, I read. The head, the place. I don't feel good. Panic attack? Suddenly I felt closed in. The people... they are everywhere. The noise, it's making me cry inside.

I want to stop pretending. I am so tired. I hate to carry on, to work, when all I want to do is curl up at home, in bed. Not seeing anyone. Stop pretending to be efficient and smart.
I want time to stop. Just a day, no make it a week. Just let me disappear and nobody notice and I will come back and start the show that nobody knows that it has stopped.

Do I need to stop? To lose this momentum? I'm at a loss...
Routine is good. When I tell myself I can continue.. am I lying? Cos I feel it's coming. The lows. I'm controlling it, but I don't know how long this can hold on. When I feel like throwing it and just scream.

I really hate this. The confusion in my head. The battle of logic and chemicals.
I don't feel real. I don't feel so good.

I feel truly blessed!

Remenber I wanted to give a gift to a friend whom I felt needs it?
I gave it to her- this morning.
I got a surprise myself too! She gave me a strawberry shortcake doll! it's so cute! It brought me back to my happy days. my childhood.
Another friend- Hut, leaving next wed msn me says.. ' so many people loves you.. you can't give up on the, on yourself"

i wrote hut a card. I cried non stop. im very sad. my eyes hurts. i wish I can jump and say goodbye.

But I remember and thank God for his blessings.