I can't sleep!

i hate my f****ass self

i can't sleep

i'm irritated to the brink of going insane ( which is like strange cos I'm already am right?

i took all my pills with alcohol at see.. range of 12 am to last take 330 am.

i am wide awake!

wide dame asshole awake

i slapped myself, slam my head against the wall.

i want to jump.

its horrible

not to sleep

it may sound trivial to many but to me its horrible.

i might as well just hang in there till 6 and wake my husband up

see i want to kill  myself

my dr gave prescription for Dalmadorm 3o to collect tomorrow. it doesn't work at all.

its money spend to make all of us feel better..

i tot alcohol and drugs are not suppose to mix?

fool!

IT' 410 AAM!!!!!!!

zip zap short circuit

i feel miserable.

that's too simple.. but i have no idea how else to describe how i'm feeling other than utterly miserable...

i have no desire to do anything.. all i want to do is sleep yet i have to fore myself to wake up at a certain time... otherwise i can't sleep again tonight.. and what is worse than not sleeping at night when the whole house is asleep and all you want to do is trash the house apart because of the frustrations of not sleeping?!!

i get this "short circuit" zap thing in my head and I know something bad is on it's way...

it goes ziip...zap.. like the current is out of functioning. how can I describe this to anyone sane?

i'm irritable.. i spent alot of money buying CDs, DVDs, clothes an groceries ( why do I need so much?) and now as I look at my finances, i need to start seriously to apply for a job. but I have only sent one CV out and I'm so damm proud of myself for that!

i have a confession, there were days during the week where i felt rather unsettled, agitated and I used a needle and slice the skin.. just seeing the skin tear apart makes me relaxed. just one line. I did it yesterday on my thigh and i hope no one asked where did I get the cut from....

i'm supposed to meet some friends from work tomorrow.... i just messaged them to tell them I won't be joining. I know they will get angry, mad, pissed whatever... but I just don't feel like joining them. Or seeing people....

i can't do it. i have no mood and i would be very happy to just curl up and die.. if someone will allow me to.

This will pass but i am angry, depressed, agitated and anxious.

Argh!

I need to do something

I haven't been writing.

Didn't feel like it. alot has happen but the words just cant seems to flow.

I have so much to bitch.. abut the unfairness of work.. but not now, another time.

My last working day was end of March. I'm free now... idling aT home. much as I want to do so, I'm obligated to meet up with my friends and to run the few errands.

And, I need to look for a job soon, which means getting my CV and certificates in order.

I'm lazy, i want to stay in bed.. yet afraid that that will be all i'm doing.

I'm tired and mildly depressed. That whole work incident has drawn the shit and anger out of me and it just made me so mad!

it's 1.30am... i can't sleep. my husband s sound asleep. I took Xanax, Dalmadorm, stillnox, lamictal and i angrily swallowed 50mg of Seroquel.

I'm still typing....

And tomorrow, I will take all energy just to get up and not waste half my day.

I need to get my CV in order but I have no mood.

Argh! Angry with myself... this procrastinator!! urgh!

cut like a paper

i'm depressed.

my head hurts. it doesn't feel good.

i'm going mad.

the noise of people at work mocking at me. that i'm useless, cannot take stress. their laughter.

i see them looking at me with disdain.

i am in pain. i want to die. want to slash the knife across my wrist. to poke myself i found needles and i poke myself. i cut myself and the blood cant stop.

i cant bear to return to work. just 3 more terrible hypocritical days.

the pain feels so good.

i want to cut more

i hate myself

im going down

i just want to die

Trust is a fool

It's official.

I'm out of job in  2 weeks. that's it. 5 years of hard work just reduced to this pathetic state.

I am angry, fuming. My head hurts, could be the flu but my entire body hurts like hell. I slept the entire day. wishing that I wouldn't have to get up of bed, that i could just die.

Lessons I have learn:

1. Never ever trust anyone at work. They just want something from you. They just want to hurt you or use you.

2. Never ever et your boss know about the medical conditions. They look at you with tinted eyes. That when you call in sick, they do no believe you. That you are sick because your depression must be starting again.

They think that my medications affects my work. It doesn't.

I am only on Lamactil and stilnox to sleep.

Occasionally peppered with Xanax.

Stopped Zoloft because it made my hands tremble and seroquel because it made me fuzzy and tired and I needed to work.

I thought they understood, but no, they are prejudiced.

I am nothing but a nut case.

you should see  the looks they give to me. Like have to get out of it.. etc.

That nobody would help you if you don't help yourself.

That you have wasted so much and now just a useless piece of shit.

I thought I was different, they were different, that they can see i'm doing well,just needed more med appointments recently that's all. but they form their own conclusion. it's over i can't work when there' no trust.

I hate JC. She started this, her bootlicking and politics game.

I really hate her.

I am so angry yet useless.

Someone help before I go crazy

I have been fighting with my hubby.

He does not understand, wants me to leave the job earlier.

But that's losing right?

i'm very angry, very upset.

i want them to pay for what they have done to me.

i want them to suffer.

I want her to suffer. what gives her the right to think that she can come in and take my position and play politics and get the mgt to agree with her?

i want her to get what she deserves. she is a bitch and a low life.

she will not get away.

i have nothing but hatred for her.

i woke up and think why am i still alive?

isn't it easier to be dead?

e talking. that mental cases shd be locked at home.

then i hear her laughing, them laughing.

my heard hurts i feeling horrible.

i want to scream and cry out but nothing comes out.

help me.

someone please help me before I single handedly fall into their trap and ruin the rest of my life...

i am scared.

Lost.

worthless.

terrified.

i want to hid in bed and be safe.

please tell me what i should do...

please.....

No difference from 2000...

I really put my heart and soul into this job for the last 5 years.

I thought I wouldn't get hurt by people anymore.

But that's just wistful thinking on my part.

It's the same,8 years ago when I was first diagnosed.

My friends left me. Told me they couldn't stand being around me.

And now, this.

I completed my degree, had a scholarship attachment. Completed it ahead of time.

No one knows.

Except my husband.

My beloved supervisor who encourages me and help me when I had a relapse in 2006.

She has left the company.

Now, I am all alone.

I look at the people around me. They just want to gossip.

The new girls just want to be better than me. 

To backstab me, to tell tales about me (well... just JC)

The management? They just lapped it all up.

I'm sure they plotted all these.

They are out to get rid of me.

I have completed so many projects. I get rave reviews from partners, from people that I have trained.

All these while on meds.

And now they tell me drugs affect my moods.

What irony?

I am very confused.

I do not want to give up my job and this income and this sense of self worth... but I feel that I have nothing now.

I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Dammit.

Want more pills and just not wake up.

Hate this feeling.

Discriminations at work

Basically what they are offering is that they are thinking about creating a new role in another dept. It's not a promotion, just different role to learn new things that may help in future jobs search. They are not clear about the exact definition of the role yet as D (who is a Dr and the manager of this unit I'm in) is still thinking abt it and would like to speak to me.  

Seems that HH told him over the phone that I'm resigning over JC. She told me that he thinks I'm immature and would want me to hold on the resignation as he wants to speak to me. That will be next Mon when he is back. I also clarified with HH and she is very certain that there will be no promotion for me this year bcos of my MCs. I dont think its fair. She told me that she is putting me up for consideration end last year, and last week says I definitely fall short due to my "glaring absenteeism" . 

Personally I think they are discriminated abt me. She thinks I'm not to the job of an In Charge becos she needs the In charge to be around at work and if Im going to fall sick and take MCs,I could not fulfill the output. Also, ever since they know abt my condition, now that HH has conned me into revealing to the other 2 supervisor (Y and N), I'm sure they have discussed abt me. Y told me that with the drugs I'm taking, it may have effects on me. That the drugs affected my mood. They only know that I'm on medication, but exactly what drugs, they do not know. 

I don't think its fair and im very angry. Bcos the drugs that I have chose to take has the least side effects. That I would sacrifice and not take the meds if it causes trembling, drowsiness etc. That they assumes that its all due to my drugs! I just think that they do not want to promote me, that all the MCs are excuses. 

Bcos I looked into her eyes and told her that when Im on MC, I was really sick and what would she do if I had chicken pox and had MC for 2 weeks? She just talk abt the MCs=output nonsense. i'm at a loss.. I tot abt how hard I worked for the past year, but it's all my own dreams. I wasn't so determined to get promoted but now she really chose her over me. We all started at a junior position, but she got in at my level.  

It's not abt JC anymore. She still irritates me but now I realized that it's all abt discrimination. That I shd have just saved my dignity and resigned when I was unwell instead of telling the truth. Now I have to endure all these humiliation and relegations to lower statuses.  

Wanted to see my Dr today.. but what do we do? More MCs? That would just proved them that they are very right isn't it?  

Im very depressed.

Cyan Mondays

Last Monday, I tendered my resignation letter, my boss signed it and off I went to see the HR.

On Tuesday and Wednesday... I was called into the office again. We spoke amicably and she informed me that the manager would like to speak to me once he is back from an overseas trip on the 10th Mar. She told me the letter is on hold, I asked if we can't come to any compromise, would my last working be remained on the 28th Mar? She said yes.

There's an opening in anther dept. Still in the thinking mode. Nothing's confirm.

They told me not to be silly , to resign over a f*** up lady.

She is a trigger but i had enough of working.

I pushed myself. Im not considered for promotion this year.. simply because I took my entitled days of 14 days Sick leave, with medical certs. It's not fair, i can't get sick?

SHe know i have other problems and i supposed that are conveniently factored in...

i do not wish to work.

i wish to die.

i hate myself, I want to cut, to take my pills and pray for death.

why am i so tortured?

why??!!

I'm better

Hubby brought me to a nice hotel stay, he knows how much I love to soak in bathtubs.
Threw tantrum at him yesterday. Angry that he's sleeping when I couldn't.
Screaming, scratching and begging him to divorce me. Felt that I'm dragging him down,, that he deserves more.
Thought that if I'm out of his life, I can kill myself and he wouldn't know.
Ambivalent.
But I cried. I see the hurt in his eyes, I cried.
He asked, what can he so to make me better? Happier? I try. He understands.
I hate to see him sad.

My eyes hurt yesterday. I checked in and slept.
Feel better.
He is such a great man.
I'm sorry.

scream and rip

I am so angry!
Angry that my mum violated my privacy. Out of curiousity, she looked through my drawers because I cleared it out last Sun.
Her reason, she wanted to see what's in it. How much I have thrown away. I knew my things have been shifted. I have a system. I'm obsessive of how I placed my things. I know when someone else looked through or touched my stuffs. both at home and at work.

I'm trying to take things easy. Not wanting to say anything that would hurt her feelings. I'm so angry now, I want to gulp down all my pills.

I hope she hasn't seen my personal stuffs. Letters and stuffs. She's curious. Harmless. I'm trying to justify.
It doesn't seems as though shee has seen what she's not suppose to see. But she has seen my protection which she claims she has no idea. Do I believe her? Why not? I'm legally married.
It's just.. for so many years, she never touched my things other than to pack or clean or tidy up.
I have never felt intruded. Not like my friends.

But today.. I felt so violated. So angry. I have hatred towards everyone. I want to scratch myself till I bleed.
And I have to pretend tomorrow again.

I need a shower. I want to scream and rip it all out.

artificial.fakes in this world

This world is dam artificial.
I am artificial, in less than 4 hours, I need to get my ass out of bed. trugged through the rain and into this "safe haven" dubbed by L. My foot. i need to pretend. all eyes are on me. the cruelty that some looked at me, waiting to see me fall ( they do not know abt me) but they are evil, they can't wait to see me fall, can wait to hear gossips about me.
I am just entertainment.
I pretend.
I will be what they want to see.
I lost myself long ago.

i found letters i wrote for an ex plus some pix today while clearing the drawers. I read it, and i threw the photos away. cut myslf up too. what hurts me was this sentence he said ' if you want to break up fine. i can live without you. But you can never live without me". 6 years and it hurts.. from someone who causes this breakdown, who treated you like dirt, like shit after you have been diagnosed. it sucks. i do not miss him or have any feelings for him now. but those words, those thoughts, thouse impressions of what happened came inching into your mind. it make me sick.

i can't write as well. im artificial.]
i need to sleep. to get my aartificial life going.
i am so a fake.

encouragement for others

I felt happy earlier.
I went shopping. Bought a book, gifts and cards for few friends.
One is leaving the workplace next wed.
The other 2, feeling not too good recently.

I thought... why not make themm happy? cheer them up?
I really wanted to do it. To buy a little something, because they call out to me, and I somehow know that the gifts would be at home with the recipents. .. I hope. Heh.

I wrote a note with a card for a dear friend. someone who struggled depression. who is trying very hard to keep afloat. And when I read what I wrote, I realised .. that this is what I'm trying to tell myself. That God is here with me. He kept me afloat, I clinged on to Him, He loves me dearly and would not forsake me. If only I let go. I have to keep believing in His love. I love Him. And He loves me like His child. This message was meant for me. He works in miraculous ways.

I lost my temper. An inconsiderate neighbour above has a faulty aircon and it leaks water into my room and on my back. I was sitting just beneath the window. I didn't kick a fuss for i think a year. I bear with it. I adjusted my windows when I know that they are getting ready for their bed time. Why do I always give in? Why am I always the person being taken advantage of?
I want to scream and shout, to bang on their door, to let it all out. But no, considerate and me, partners. My friend. Meet me, the girl who is always too scared, avoids confrontations and let it all boils inside. Such a loser.