Somewhere in Between

I'm happy.. Ok not quite happy but feel better and feeling able to cope.

I went for the interview today, they are keen to get my started on Friday.

I have to commence early due to handing over issues. My hubby and I have plans to go for  trip before I start a job, so this was quite a deliberation.

Anyhow, the company feels that it's vital to work for a couple of days as the existing employee will have a change of job role and thus will not be available when I return.

On my part, I am a perfectionist and frankly I feel the need to know the current task and assignments at hand.

I have 10 hours to make a final decision.

My Dr says go ahead. he feels I perform better with structure and expectations. And though I have my more down days in the month of April, I think i can function.

But I'm scared.

I know we need time to be ready, I get this question from my hubby " are you ready to work?" I answered... " will I ever be ready?" I lived with this horrible mood roller coaster. I am starting a new job on Friday, I am scared. I feel confident in the day " Yes! I can do it!" I shout! And now at 12 MN.... I wonder and i get fearful and i get paranoid about whether I will get a mental breakdown.

Do you get this often?

Feeling gung- ho and all out, raring to go in the day and crying in the night? Being afraid to go to work the next day?

I can't be controlled by my moods... But it controls me strongly.

I can wake up and not wanting to go to work and that's bad.

I don't want to be like this.

I wish to have a change of brain.

But I can do it right?

I need to at least give myself a chance adn learn to cope with stress and recognise trigger prevailing factors.

confused

I cut myself and I'm  not proud of it.

I just cannot cope and this red ugly thing staring at me is just ugly.

i Can't sleep and i may have to start working soon.. like maybe wed.. it's not confirmed.

i am really tired, i just want to cry and cry and stay in bed and no, i can't sleep even this morning.

when i work i really need to focus. this being a new job and all.. hubby is worried about my state of mind, that i may be stressed and not cope and may have a mental breakdown.

but when can i ever be ready?

when will another opportunity like this arises?

i'm very confused.

i need to go to the company tomorrow again for the 3rd interview.

i feel.. i haven't had enough time to rest. am i lazy? i rested since 29 march but it's not enough.

i felt that i haven't had enough me time. the time is for others. to look ok... to meet people for coffee.. to be there for them.

i need me time.

have to go out again this evening. accompanying friend for a haircut.

i just want to stay home!

Someone help before I go crazy

I have been fighting with my hubby.

He does not understand, wants me to leave the job earlier.

But that's losing right?

i'm very angry, very upset.

i want them to pay for what they have done to me.

i want them to suffer.

I want her to suffer. what gives her the right to think that she can come in and take my position and play politics and get the mgt to agree with her?

i want her to get what she deserves. she is a bitch and a low life.

she will not get away.

i have nothing but hatred for her.

i woke up and think why am i still alive?

isn't it easier to be dead?

e talking. that mental cases shd be locked at home.

then i hear her laughing, them laughing.

my heard hurts i feeling horrible.

i want to scream and cry out but nothing comes out.

help me.

someone please help me before I single handedly fall into their trap and ruin the rest of my life...

i am scared.

Lost.

worthless.

terrified.

i want to hid in bed and be safe.

please tell me what i should do...

please.....

Cyan Mondays

Last Monday, I tendered my resignation letter, my boss signed it and off I went to see the HR.

On Tuesday and Wednesday... I was called into the office again. We spoke amicably and she informed me that the manager would like to speak to me once he is back from an overseas trip on the 10th Mar. She told me the letter is on hold, I asked if we can't come to any compromise, would my last working be remained on the 28th Mar? She said yes.

There's an opening in anther dept. Still in the thinking mode. Nothing's confirm.

They told me not to be silly , to resign over a f*** up lady.

She is a trigger but i had enough of working.

I pushed myself. Im not considered for promotion this year.. simply because I took my entitled days of 14 days Sick leave, with medical certs. It's not fair, i can't get sick?

SHe know i have other problems and i supposed that are conveniently factored in...

i do not wish to work.

i wish to die.

i hate myself, I want to cut, to take my pills and pray for death.

why am i so tortured?

why??!!

Distance

My Dr told me to keep a distance from L.
To prevent myself from feeling raw, exposed.
He says, best to keep professional and personal aside. Have a barrier.
I'm now scared.
I don't like to not be in control.
I don't like it when people knows too much and tries to help.
Thay can't.
It's not so simple. Not so easy.
They think they know everything.
I'm scared.

False Positives

I think he's really angry.
I think he hates me.
I think I should sleep early to avoid a fight.
I can feel it.
feel the itch of a fight.

I get sleepy in the day.
Alert in the night.
But nights are destructive, to self, to others.
But night is where I can think.
Where I can feel.

I hate routines.
I hate having to sleep early just to avoid a downfall.
To be able to function at work.
I hate it all.
I hate myself.
I just hate hate haTE!!

But I so need to be normal.. to function.
I'm a miserable wreck.

Will be seeing my Dr tomorrow.
Will he add any meds?
Or would he say I can carry on?
I think I need some addtional meds to carry me on for awhile..
Till this gets over, better.
It will never be totally over.

Just false positive.

I'm better

Hubby brought me to a nice hotel stay, he knows how much I love to soak in bathtubs.
Threw tantrum at him yesterday. Angry that he's sleeping when I couldn't.
Screaming, scratching and begging him to divorce me. Felt that I'm dragging him down,, that he deserves more.
Thought that if I'm out of his life, I can kill myself and he wouldn't know.
Ambivalent.
But I cried. I see the hurt in his eyes, I cried.
He asked, what can he so to make me better? Happier? I try. He understands.
I hate to see him sad.

My eyes hurt yesterday. I checked in and slept.
Feel better.
He is such a great man.
I'm sorry.

scream!

I feel strange.
Not really good.
I went to work, I collected my night med from my Dr. Didn't make an appointment, didn't get to see him as he has left.
He came back last Fri. Sent me an encouraging email.

I felt fine. Tired. Went into Starbucks. Bought a Latte.
Then it started as I sat down. The noise. It overwhelms me.
My head.. it felt detached. I feel sick, i don't feel real. I want to scream in the middle of the shopping centre. In Borders, on the street.
I walked, i browsed. I bought a notebook that cost $11 for it looking pretty cool. I could spend more.But I lost interest.
I found a book, I read. The head, the place. I don't feel good. Panic attack? Suddenly I felt closed in. The people... they are everywhere. The noise, it's making me cry inside.

I want to stop pretending. I am so tired. I hate to carry on, to work, when all I want to do is curl up at home, in bed. Not seeing anyone. Stop pretending to be efficient and smart.
I want time to stop. Just a day, no make it a week. Just let me disappear and nobody notice and I will come back and start the show that nobody knows that it has stopped.

Do I need to stop? To lose this momentum? I'm at a loss...
Routine is good. When I tell myself I can continue.. am I lying? Cos I feel it's coming. The lows. I'm controlling it, but I don't know how long this can hold on. When I feel like throwing it and just scream.

I really hate this. The confusion in my head. The battle of logic and chemicals.
I don't feel real. I don't feel so good.