Someone help before I go crazy

I have been fighting with my hubby.

He does not understand, wants me to leave the job earlier.

But that's losing right?

i'm very angry, very upset.

i want them to pay for what they have done to me.

i want them to suffer.

I want her to suffer. what gives her the right to think that she can come in and take my position and play politics and get the mgt to agree with her?

i want her to get what she deserves. she is a bitch and a low life.

she will not get away.

i have nothing but hatred for her.

i woke up and think why am i still alive?

isn't it easier to be dead?

e talking. that mental cases shd be locked at home.

then i hear her laughing, them laughing.

my heard hurts i feeling horrible.

i want to scream and cry out but nothing comes out.

help me.

someone please help me before I single handedly fall into their trap and ruin the rest of my life...

i am scared.

Lost.

worthless.

terrified.

i want to hid in bed and be safe.

please tell me what i should do...

please.....

I just want to be happy.

Not to think that I'm useless. Not to cry at every provocation.
I feel ugly and lonely.
I feel stupid.
It's only 8 days pass new year. I'm afraid that I would have a relapse. That this would all would be in vain.
I can't breathe.
I wish I can just die.

I want to sit in a cafe and not work.
Be happy and relax.
I miss how humans feel.. or do I?
This is a privilege of the special cult.

Not happy

I am not happy.
Felt really really lonely, depressed and sad,
Contemplate suicide,

Wish could end this.
Violent mood swings.
Back stbbing colleagues

Who to trust?
It's an issue.

I lost all mood. Haven't done christmas shopping.
I wish I can abused the drug, To take lots, drink alciohol
To get a high.

I'm really down.
Tired.

I want to kill myslf at this instance.
Want to cry, to cry for the emptiness and pain no one else felt.

Damaged

I wrote this in year 2005.
Felt damaged. Still do.
This loneliness will never leave..
i'm just Not perfect anymore

In this world, surrounded by beauty, i am just but a damaged butterfly.
My wings are clipped, i can't fly. i am damaged....

Is it true that in this world, this society, once you are tainted, once you are damaged, you can no longer be as beautiful?
Maybe its just insecurity. Maybe it's just personal expectation that is a tad too high.
Would people mind? is it better to just leave them with the memories that you have created for them than to reveal what lies beneath?

let them bask in the beautiful facade that haunts them, not let them be haunted by the brokenness that is held together with all ounce of dignity.

are personalities personated? do we consciously want to play the part of whom we perceived ourselves to be? or do we act in the ways we think others like us to be?

I have no idea whom i am. Which side of me is true, which side of me is an imagination...


Which is real? Why don't anyone believes?
Why do I have to go through this over and over again?
Why torture me? Why an I so alone?
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“Damaged” by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would i know

I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can't go back

Likes being a little girl

I saw my Dr with my hubby this morning.
it was insightful. i persuaded him for more meds. Gave Zoloft 25mg, Lamictal 100mg (up from 50mg) , stilnox and rivotril 0.5mg BD.
He's not keen.. says medications are not miracles.
But agreed to use it to get through this period.
I hope I can be better. Just do not like the side effects of Zoloft (slight hand tremors).. not good when I need to work.
Wnat to be free from it all. To stay home and sleep, to watch TV, DVDs, movies and surf the net.
To escape responsiblities and the facade of being me.

My mum keeps all my meds. I surrendered them to her. To prevent and avoid overdose.
What a child.

So we walked along the streets today.
ended up with shiny, polished teeth =)
nothing in particular, we walked, held hands, talked and I shopped. (heeheh) I keep spending. I can buy more.
I enjoyed every moment with you.

My Dr says he's strong, he watches me because he has to.
I complained about invasion of privacy. But it's compromised.

I have beensleeping on the floor lately. Waiting for him to notice I'm not by his side.
Liked the feeling of being "carried" to bed. Like a child.
Wants him, to test him to see if I make a difference.
But more of likeing to being treated like a little girl.

He has to work tomorrow. I have another day rest to get better (like can I can better in 2 days?!!?)
But better than none.
I have plans to bring mom out to eat.. or maybe to go grocery shopping, to return the movies I have rented.
But my gut tells me I will be in bed. Miserable and wanting to sleep and escape again.

Please don't leave me tomorrow.
Don't go to work.
I need you.

False Positives

I think he's really angry.
I think he hates me.
I think I should sleep early to avoid a fight.
I can feel it.
feel the itch of a fight.

I get sleepy in the day.
Alert in the night.
But nights are destructive, to self, to others.
But night is where I can think.
Where I can feel.

I hate routines.
I hate having to sleep early just to avoid a downfall.
To be able to function at work.
I hate it all.
I hate myself.
I just hate hate haTE!!

But I so need to be normal.. to function.
I'm a miserable wreck.

Will be seeing my Dr tomorrow.
Will he add any meds?
Or would he say I can carry on?
I think I need some addtional meds to carry me on for awhile..
Till this gets over, better.
It will never be totally over.

Just false positive.

Lonely

She is both hubby and me favourite actress of all times. for the past 10 years.
She looks lonely curled up. it's posing. But i feel lonely.
Lonely. Lonely . Lonely.'
Wish I'm prettier, smarter, not empty.

I sit on a chair in a crowded room but i'm all alone. They don't exist. The just looked through and I pretend I know.
I'm empty, I'm lonely. and I heart her. she's great.

fragile, broken and in knots

when your heart is broken..
can it be fixed?
can it be put together?
strings and tapes,
ducts and glue.
when it's shattered
what's left of it?

Can it function
can it feel
can it love

will the pain remains
the emptiness
the once hopeful dreams

it hurts so bad.
for reasons more than I can say.
fragile and holding on.

it's will be good

all curled up