Somewhere in Between

I'm happy.. Ok not quite happy but feel better and feeling able to cope.

I went for the interview today, they are keen to get my started on Friday.

I have to commence early due to handing over issues. My hubby and I have plans to go for  trip before I start a job, so this was quite a deliberation.

Anyhow, the company feels that it's vital to work for a couple of days as the existing employee will have a change of job role and thus will not be available when I return.

On my part, I am a perfectionist and frankly I feel the need to know the current task and assignments at hand.

I have 10 hours to make a final decision.

My Dr says go ahead. he feels I perform better with structure and expectations. And though I have my more down days in the month of April, I think i can function.

But I'm scared.

I know we need time to be ready, I get this question from my hubby " are you ready to work?" I answered... " will I ever be ready?" I lived with this horrible mood roller coaster. I am starting a new job on Friday, I am scared. I feel confident in the day " Yes! I can do it!" I shout! And now at 12 MN.... I wonder and i get fearful and i get paranoid about whether I will get a mental breakdown.

Do you get this often?

Feeling gung- ho and all out, raring to go in the day and crying in the night? Being afraid to go to work the next day?

I can't be controlled by my moods... But it controls me strongly.

I can wake up and not wanting to go to work and that's bad.

I don't want to be like this.

I wish to have a change of brain.

But I can do it right?

I need to at least give myself a chance adn learn to cope with stress and recognise trigger prevailing factors.

Good day till the nights

I had a good day today.

Went for an interview at 4PM. lasted till 530PM, walked around town, had some coffee and bought some korean side dishes for the fried rice my mum made.

Now, i am as usual PISSED!

I simply cannot comprehend why  just cant sleep!

it's 0235hrs. I woke up at 1000hrs, walked myself tire out and now I can't go to sleep!

I took drugs, herbs... valarian, stilnox 20mg, Dalmadorm 60mg, my dwilling stash of 500mg seroquel, xanax.. all to feed a baby, me! I often wondered why  the doses are so minute. well, all except seroquel when they 1st started me on them and i couldn't work.

I drank alcohol with my meds!

it's not working, else I would be sleeping.

i am a drug addict.

im pathethic and i dunno who to tell.

they all want me to sleep naturally. at latest 12mn. I can't! My hubby hates me using internet at night because it stimulate my brain.. i agree but i need to get this off!! i have nothing else left to eat or drink in this house that is sleep inducing unless i literally steal another 10mg of stilnox from  my mum. My hubby need to sleep today. Rested for early AM conference call.

I watched TV, re runs of America next top model loves rene but I know she lost.CSI is showing now, so tempting. i am all out of options. lie on the bed and pray, surf the net or read a book.. no concentration for the last one.

i am going high and mad from not sleeping. my Dr. is on conference and ordered damadorm, i doesn't work!

*cries*

zip zap short circuit

i feel miserable.

that's too simple.. but i have no idea how else to describe how i'm feeling other than utterly miserable...

i have no desire to do anything.. all i want to do is sleep yet i have to fore myself to wake up at a certain time... otherwise i can't sleep again tonight.. and what is worse than not sleeping at night when the whole house is asleep and all you want to do is trash the house apart because of the frustrations of not sleeping?!!

i get this "short circuit" zap thing in my head and I know something bad is on it's way...

it goes ziip...zap.. like the current is out of functioning. how can I describe this to anyone sane?

i'm irritable.. i spent alot of money buying CDs, DVDs, clothes an groceries ( why do I need so much?) and now as I look at my finances, i need to start seriously to apply for a job. but I have only sent one CV out and I'm so damm proud of myself for that!

i have a confession, there were days during the week where i felt rather unsettled, agitated and I used a needle and slice the skin.. just seeing the skin tear apart makes me relaxed. just one line. I did it yesterday on my thigh and i hope no one asked where did I get the cut from....

i'm supposed to meet some friends from work tomorrow.... i just messaged them to tell them I won't be joining. I know they will get angry, mad, pissed whatever... but I just don't feel like joining them. Or seeing people....

i can't do it. i have no mood and i would be very happy to just curl up and die.. if someone will allow me to.

This will pass but i am angry, depressed, agitated and anxious.

Argh!

Someone help before I go crazy

I have been fighting with my hubby.

He does not understand, wants me to leave the job earlier.

But that's losing right?

i'm very angry, very upset.

i want them to pay for what they have done to me.

i want them to suffer.

I want her to suffer. what gives her the right to think that she can come in and take my position and play politics and get the mgt to agree with her?

i want her to get what she deserves. she is a bitch and a low life.

she will not get away.

i have nothing but hatred for her.

i woke up and think why am i still alive?

isn't it easier to be dead?

e talking. that mental cases shd be locked at home.

then i hear her laughing, them laughing.

my heard hurts i feeling horrible.

i want to scream and cry out but nothing comes out.

help me.

someone please help me before I single handedly fall into their trap and ruin the rest of my life...

i am scared.

Lost.

worthless.

terrified.

i want to hid in bed and be safe.

please tell me what i should do...

please.....

Cyan Mondays

Last Monday, I tendered my resignation letter, my boss signed it and off I went to see the HR.

On Tuesday and Wednesday... I was called into the office again. We spoke amicably and she informed me that the manager would like to speak to me once he is back from an overseas trip on the 10th Mar. She told me the letter is on hold, I asked if we can't come to any compromise, would my last working be remained on the 28th Mar? She said yes.

There's an opening in anther dept. Still in the thinking mode. Nothing's confirm.

They told me not to be silly , to resign over a f*** up lady.

She is a trigger but i had enough of working.

I pushed myself. Im not considered for promotion this year.. simply because I took my entitled days of 14 days Sick leave, with medical certs. It's not fair, i can't get sick?

SHe know i have other problems and i supposed that are conveniently factored in...

i do not wish to work.

i wish to die.

i hate myself, I want to cut, to take my pills and pray for death.

why am i so tortured?

why??!!

head hurts, inside hurts

Im not so good.. not so bad. a little calm. but often feel light headed in the morning at around 1030 to 1130. light headed. and when im well in the day, coping well, dealing with her nonsenses and trying the my best not to let her affect me.. not to let people affect me, i would get a terrible headache by the end of the day. mostly occur in the evening. i would feel like im not in my body, light headed, alternating between tired and trembling, heart racing slightly. hand shaking. and yes, nauseous. this has been happening frequently in the last 2 weeks. is my body trying to tell me something? i try to control my attitude . but it's so tiring to fight all these. im tired. yet everyday i have to motivate myself to get of bed sometimes i wish it will end. wish that i don't have to be accountable to so many people. very sad.

Trust is an issue

I have done something unintentionally to hurt another perosn.
Fact is, I felt threatened by her.
I don't trust her.
I have an issue with trust.

I need to separate work and my live.
I cannot keep thinking of who is going to back stab me, make use of me etc.
I will go even crazier.

I dun feel good. The happiness is dwiddling.
I get frustrated... paranoid.
The threaat is there... I'm wary and on my guard.

She seems nice, but I have been betrayed and hurt by others. I just find her fake. I don't trust her... yet I have to work with her closely... I dun get good vibes.
Not keen to play politics.. but who is playing whom?

I'm scared

I'm scared.
I have to return to my job tomorrow.
Worried I can't cope.
I'm anxious.
I took so many med. I dun feel the "high" urges.. to sleep.
I worry that I only have 4 hours of sleep.
I'm depressed.
I'm scared.
I dowan to return... but I'm trapped. I can't escape.
I have no appetite.. (which is good for me)

Basically I am anxious.
I want to hide.
I want to pretend I'm fine.
I can't concentrate.
It's tiring having to pretend
I'm tired,

I wish I won't wake up.
Should I eat more pills?