confused

I cut myself and I'm  not proud of it.

I just cannot cope and this red ugly thing staring at me is just ugly.

i Can't sleep and i may have to start working soon.. like maybe wed.. it's not confirmed.

i am really tired, i just want to cry and cry and stay in bed and no, i can't sleep even this morning.

when i work i really need to focus. this being a new job and all.. hubby is worried about my state of mind, that i may be stressed and not cope and may have a mental breakdown.

but when can i ever be ready?

when will another opportunity like this arises?

i'm very confused.

i need to go to the company tomorrow again for the 3rd interview.

i feel.. i haven't had enough time to rest. am i lazy? i rested since 29 march but it's not enough.

i felt that i haven't had enough me time. the time is for others. to look ok... to meet people for coffee.. to be there for them.

i need me time.

have to go out again this evening. accompanying friend for a haircut.

i just want to stay home!

zip zap short circuit

i feel miserable.

that's too simple.. but i have no idea how else to describe how i'm feeling other than utterly miserable...

i have no desire to do anything.. all i want to do is sleep yet i have to fore myself to wake up at a certain time... otherwise i can't sleep again tonight.. and what is worse than not sleeping at night when the whole house is asleep and all you want to do is trash the house apart because of the frustrations of not sleeping?!!

i get this "short circuit" zap thing in my head and I know something bad is on it's way...

it goes ziip...zap.. like the current is out of functioning. how can I describe this to anyone sane?

i'm irritable.. i spent alot of money buying CDs, DVDs, clothes an groceries ( why do I need so much?) and now as I look at my finances, i need to start seriously to apply for a job. but I have only sent one CV out and I'm so damm proud of myself for that!

i have a confession, there were days during the week where i felt rather unsettled, agitated and I used a needle and slice the skin.. just seeing the skin tear apart makes me relaxed. just one line. I did it yesterday on my thigh and i hope no one asked where did I get the cut from....

i'm supposed to meet some friends from work tomorrow.... i just messaged them to tell them I won't be joining. I know they will get angry, mad, pissed whatever... but I just don't feel like joining them. Or seeing people....

i can't do it. i have no mood and i would be very happy to just curl up and die.. if someone will allow me to.

This will pass but i am angry, depressed, agitated and anxious.

Argh!

cut like a paper

i'm depressed.

my head hurts. it doesn't feel good.

i'm going mad.

the noise of people at work mocking at me. that i'm useless, cannot take stress. their laughter.

i see them looking at me with disdain.

i am in pain. i want to die. want to slash the knife across my wrist. to poke myself i found needles and i poke myself. i cut myself and the blood cant stop.

i cant bear to return to work. just 3 more terrible hypocritical days.

the pain feels so good.

i want to cut more

i hate myself

im going down

i just want to die