confused

I cut myself and I'm  not proud of it.

I just cannot cope and this red ugly thing staring at me is just ugly.

i Can't sleep and i may have to start working soon.. like maybe wed.. it's not confirmed.

i am really tired, i just want to cry and cry and stay in bed and no, i can't sleep even this morning.

when i work i really need to focus. this being a new job and all.. hubby is worried about my state of mind, that i may be stressed and not cope and may have a mental breakdown.

but when can i ever be ready?

when will another opportunity like this arises?

i'm very confused.

i need to go to the company tomorrow again for the 3rd interview.

i feel.. i haven't had enough time to rest. am i lazy? i rested since 29 march but it's not enough.

i felt that i haven't had enough me time. the time is for others. to look ok... to meet people for coffee.. to be there for them.

i need me time.

have to go out again this evening. accompanying friend for a haircut.

i just want to stay home!

Trust is a fool

It's official.

I'm out of job in  2 weeks. that's it. 5 years of hard work just reduced to this pathetic state.

I am angry, fuming. My head hurts, could be the flu but my entire body hurts like hell. I slept the entire day. wishing that I wouldn't have to get up of bed, that i could just die.

Lessons I have learn:

1. Never ever trust anyone at work. They just want something from you. They just want to hurt you or use you.

2. Never ever et your boss know about the medical conditions. They look at you with tinted eyes. That when you call in sick, they do no believe you. That you are sick because your depression must be starting again.

They think that my medications affects my work. It doesn't.

I am only on Lamactil and stilnox to sleep.

Occasionally peppered with Xanax.

Stopped Zoloft because it made my hands tremble and seroquel because it made me fuzzy and tired and I needed to work.

I thought they understood, but no, they are prejudiced.

I am nothing but a nut case.

you should see  the looks they give to me. Like have to get out of it.. etc.

That nobody would help you if you don't help yourself.

That you have wasted so much and now just a useless piece of shit.

I thought I was different, they were different, that they can see i'm doing well,just needed more med appointments recently that's all. but they form their own conclusion. it's over i can't work when there' no trust.

I hate JC. She started this, her bootlicking and politics game.

I really hate her.

I am so angry yet useless.

everybody just go away please...
please leave me alone.
why is everyone stressing me to get well?
dn't I want to recover too?
To function?
Why are you watching me like a hawk?

I'm better

Hubby brought me to a nice hotel stay, he knows how much I love to soak in bathtubs.
Threw tantrum at him yesterday. Angry that he's sleeping when I couldn't.
Screaming, scratching and begging him to divorce me. Felt that I'm dragging him down,, that he deserves more.
Thought that if I'm out of his life, I can kill myself and he wouldn't know.
Ambivalent.
But I cried. I see the hurt in his eyes, I cried.
He asked, what can he so to make me better? Happier? I try. He understands.
I hate to see him sad.

My eyes hurt yesterday. I checked in and slept.
Feel better.
He is such a great man.
I'm sorry.