I need to do something

I haven't been writing.

Didn't feel like it. alot has happen but the words just cant seems to flow.

I have so much to bitch.. abut the unfairness of work.. but not now, another time.

My last working day was end of March. I'm free now... idling aT home. much as I want to do so, I'm obligated to meet up with my friends and to run the few errands.

And, I need to look for a job soon, which means getting my CV and certificates in order.

I'm lazy, i want to stay in bed.. yet afraid that that will be all i'm doing.

I'm tired and mildly depressed. That whole work incident has drawn the shit and anger out of me and it just made me so mad!

it's 1.30am... i can't sleep. my husband s sound asleep. I took Xanax, Dalmadorm, stillnox, lamictal and i angrily swallowed 50mg of Seroquel.

I'm still typing....

And tomorrow, I will take all energy just to get up and not waste half my day.

I need to get my CV in order but I have no mood.

Argh! Angry with myself... this procrastinator!! urgh!

No difference from 2000...

I really put my heart and soul into this job for the last 5 years.

I thought I wouldn't get hurt by people anymore.

But that's just wistful thinking on my part.

It's the same,8 years ago when I was first diagnosed.

My friends left me. Told me they couldn't stand being around me.

And now, this.

I completed my degree, had a scholarship attachment. Completed it ahead of time.

No one knows.

Except my husband.

My beloved supervisor who encourages me and help me when I had a relapse in 2006.

She has left the company.

Now, I am all alone.

I look at the people around me. They just want to gossip.

The new girls just want to be better than me. 

To backstab me, to tell tales about me (well... just JC)

The management? They just lapped it all up.

I'm sure they plotted all these.

They are out to get rid of me.

I have completed so many projects. I get rave reviews from partners, from people that I have trained.

All these while on meds.

And now they tell me drugs affect my moods.

What irony?

I am very confused.

I do not want to give up my job and this income and this sense of self worth... but I feel that I have nothing now.

I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Dammit.

Want more pills and just not wake up.

Hate this feeling.

everybody just go away please...
please leave me alone.
why is everyone stressing me to get well?
dn't I want to recover too?
To function?
Why are you watching me like a hawk?

I want to throw everyting!

I have plans.. alot of simple plans.
To pack, sort and tidy my place. To categorize my DVDs, CDs, DVDs- Drama, DVDs- Movies.
Into each box. wait, I need to get nice pretty boxes, that prevents dust from entering.
also, I need to throw things which I do not want, but kept just because I feel sorry for them.
Just because there may be uses for them.
I need to organise, to clean, to de clutter, to do so much.
I throw away stuffs often this month. makes me feel good. Better.

I want to throw all away! All into the air, cry and scream.
I know if I do that I will regret in the morning,
Don't you hate nights?
Make you think of new ideas.. and when you fail, you feel like an idiot.

I wanted to get a present for a friend. Her birthday is on this Wed. I went to the shop on Fri, at 8PM. The movie she wanted was there. I thought, will get it tomorrow. I went back, it's gone. I wanted to cry, I got it all planned out. I feel useless. Can't even get something simple.
Now I look at what I have hoard, I dunno what to give away, what to sell. Hate to stop buying just because I have no space.
I hate everything. I will do whatever I want. Fuck it all.

I spent and I thought it's ok. I didn't know so much has gone in the span of 10 days.
what can I do that is right?
When can I have more space?
When can I stop feeling stupid?