something to smile about

i feel slightly better. surfing the net and this catty picture is really cute!

How do you et them to cooperate?!!

love cats, they have their own mind and characteristics and they don't give a dam about what people thinks!

I can't sleep!

i hate my f****ass self

i can't sleep

i'm irritated to the brink of going insane ( which is like strange cos I'm already am right?

i took all my pills with alcohol at see.. range of 12 am to last take 330 am.

i am wide awake!

wide dame asshole awake

i slapped myself, slam my head against the wall.

i want to jump.

its horrible

not to sleep

it may sound trivial to many but to me its horrible.

i might as well just hang in there till 6 and wake my husband up

see i want to kill  myself

my dr gave prescription for Dalmadorm 3o to collect tomorrow. it doesn't work at all.

its money spend to make all of us feel better..

i tot alcohol and drugs are not suppose to mix?

fool!

IT' 410 AAM!!!!!!!

a week just passed

I left my job 1 week ago...

and I slept my week away.

I can't sleep at night.. and when I finally fall into sleep, I have vivid dreams.

I can't wake up.. and when I do, it's almost 3pm.

What a waste of day.

Sent out a CV.. did some pottering around the house, gave myself a list of things to do.

Things that I had no time while I  was working.

Well.. will try to get myself out of the house for some shopping I hope.

Having an impulsive streak to buy bags and shoes! 

A little motivation

It's all a lie.

Beneath the clam exterior, I am a freaking nutcase.

I am dead yet I want to cry.

I need to motivate myself. It has been raining and I did dance in the rain.

To cool my temper.

To clear my head, my minds.

I'm a miserable wreck

Work was OK last week. Most of the immediate supervisor treats me invisible.

Like my comments doesn't matter anymore.

Colleagues from the science department were great. They brought me out for Japanese lunch and dinner..

My department? Maybe something small on Friday. These doesn't matter, I just want to be treated with respect and dignity when I'm working here. That it's more important to treat a person well when she is there, not when all is gone and everything is all for appearance sake only.

I'm still hurting inside.

I want to cry and draw a knife into the air.

These are in my head.

i am a broken child. playing in the rain and making the most out of this storm.

Floaty

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 

I wish to go... just the courage to take the pills...

am i?

not too happy abt the previous pot

am i such a person,

it's sad. crazy.

maybe i will work on it

*yawn..

would the med let me sleep?

im tired.

some test i took.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||| 20% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious |||||||||||||||| 70% Hedonism |||||| 30% Materialism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||||| 76% Conflict seeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||||||| 56% Sexuality |||| 16% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37% Histrionic |||||| 30% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Indie |||||||||| 38%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

i so do not like myself what they have analyse

im not a good frind True

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. trait snapshot: introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual To place your results on your own site use the following code:

Something striked me today..

The happiest people in the world are not those
who have no problems, but those who learn to
live with things that are less than perfect .

Somehow, this stays in my mind today. I am grateful to God, to my love ones, to all who love and support me. I have learn that sometimes in life, it's hard to be perfect. That nobody can ever be perfect.
I have to learn.
I have to learn not to let this illness gets me down.
But it's so hard.
If I have learn, I have tried, why does it keep attacking me?
Why does it affects my life that I have learn to accept?

No voice

By the way, I lost my voice.
Quite sad, especially on Fri, when all I want to do is talk and talk and talk.
Want to sharre my ideas and opinions. But I have no voice. They are kind to listen to my whispers and croacks, and i felt grateful that my 5 senses are intact and having that, I have no reasons to be depressed.
But these thoughts do not stay when you want to lie and cry in bed.
When you are tired and think the whole is plotting against you.

I must be positive and remember the good, better and days to be gratful for.

Feeling good on meds

I feel pretty good with Zoloft.
Surprisingly clamer, happier and strangely enthuiastic.
I know this is short term.. that he will revert back or reduce my med in 3 weeks time when I see him next,
He thinks medications are not a miracle.. which I know it's true.. but it helps didn't it?

This is artificial happiness.. but i like feeling something for once.
My life was partially dead.
I experienced grief when she left.
She's flying off to another country for work today, I just spoke to her. She is very stress and is trying to cope to learn with new things.. I encouraged her and told her she can make it through.
She's inflight now. Hope she will be OK there. all alone...

My doc gave me something to help in my sleep. He is so funny. It's a capsule and he instructed to take half. Tell me.. how to take half of a capsule?
Pour out the powder? I took one instead.

Medications made me feel good. I'm on leave tomorrow. Have to work on Tues, starts the cycle again.
Only downside.. Zoloft makes my hand tremor slightly.. not good when I need to work. Kind of lessen my self confidence.

I feel good the whole of today. Hope this good feeling last.
Really artificial aren't I?

I want to throw everyting!

I have plans.. alot of simple plans.
To pack, sort and tidy my place. To categorize my DVDs, CDs, DVDs- Drama, DVDs- Movies.
Into each box. wait, I need to get nice pretty boxes, that prevents dust from entering.
also, I need to throw things which I do not want, but kept just because I feel sorry for them.
Just because there may be uses for them.
I need to organise, to clean, to de clutter, to do so much.
I throw away stuffs often this month. makes me feel good. Better.

I want to throw all away! All into the air, cry and scream.
I know if I do that I will regret in the morning,
Don't you hate nights?
Make you think of new ideas.. and when you fail, you feel like an idiot.

I wanted to get a present for a friend. Her birthday is on this Wed. I went to the shop on Fri, at 8PM. The movie she wanted was there. I thought, will get it tomorrow. I went back, it's gone. I wanted to cry, I got it all planned out. I feel useless. Can't even get something simple.
Now I look at what I have hoard, I dunno what to give away, what to sell. Hate to stop buying just because I have no space.
I hate everything. I will do whatever I want. Fuck it all.

I spent and I thought it's ok. I didn't know so much has gone in the span of 10 days.
what can I do that is right?
When can I have more space?
When can I stop feeling stupid?

artificial.fakes in this world

This world is dam artificial.
I am artificial, in less than 4 hours, I need to get my ass out of bed. trugged through the rain and into this "safe haven" dubbed by L. My foot. i need to pretend. all eyes are on me. the cruelty that some looked at me, waiting to see me fall ( they do not know abt me) but they are evil, they can't wait to see me fall, can wait to hear gossips about me.
I am just entertainment.
I pretend.
I will be what they want to see.
I lost myself long ago.

i found letters i wrote for an ex plus some pix today while clearing the drawers. I read it, and i threw the photos away. cut myslf up too. what hurts me was this sentence he said ' if you want to break up fine. i can live without you. But you can never live without me". 6 years and it hurts.. from someone who causes this breakdown, who treated you like dirt, like shit after you have been diagnosed. it sucks. i do not miss him or have any feelings for him now. but those words, those thoughts, thouse impressions of what happened came inching into your mind. it make me sick.

i can't write as well. im artificial.]
i need to sleep. to get my aartificial life going.
i am so a fake.

encouragement for others

I felt happy earlier.
I went shopping. Bought a book, gifts and cards for few friends.
One is leaving the workplace next wed.
The other 2, feeling not too good recently.

I thought... why not make themm happy? cheer them up?
I really wanted to do it. To buy a little something, because they call out to me, and I somehow know that the gifts would be at home with the recipents. .. I hope. Heh.

I wrote a note with a card for a dear friend. someone who struggled depression. who is trying very hard to keep afloat. And when I read what I wrote, I realised .. that this is what I'm trying to tell myself. That God is here with me. He kept me afloat, I clinged on to Him, He loves me dearly and would not forsake me. If only I let go. I have to keep believing in His love. I love Him. And He loves me like His child. This message was meant for me. He works in miraculous ways.

I lost my temper. An inconsiderate neighbour above has a faulty aircon and it leaks water into my room and on my back. I was sitting just beneath the window. I didn't kick a fuss for i think a year. I bear with it. I adjusted my windows when I know that they are getting ready for their bed time. Why do I always give in? Why am I always the person being taken advantage of?
I want to scream and shout, to bang on their door, to let it all out. But no, considerate and me, partners. My friend. Meet me, the girl who is always too scared, avoids confrontations and let it all boils inside. Such a loser.