A little motivation

It's all a lie.

Beneath the clam exterior, I am a freaking nutcase.

I am dead yet I want to cry.

I need to motivate myself. It has been raining and I did dance in the rain.

To cool my temper.

To clear my head, my minds.

I'm a miserable wreck

Work was OK last week. Most of the immediate supervisor treats me invisible.

Like my comments doesn't matter anymore.

Colleagues from the science department were great. They brought me out for Japanese lunch and dinner..

My department? Maybe something small on Friday. These doesn't matter, I just want to be treated with respect and dignity when I'm working here. That it's more important to treat a person well when she is there, not when all is gone and everything is all for appearance sake only.

I'm still hurting inside.

I want to cry and draw a knife into the air.

These are in my head.

i am a broken child. playing in the rain and making the most out of this storm.

Floaty

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 

I wish to go... just the courage to take the pills...

No voice

By the way, I lost my voice.
Quite sad, especially on Fri, when all I want to do is talk and talk and talk.
Want to sharre my ideas and opinions. But I have no voice. They are kind to listen to my whispers and croacks, and i felt grateful that my 5 senses are intact and having that, I have no reasons to be depressed.
But these thoughts do not stay when you want to lie and cry in bed.
When you are tired and think the whole is plotting against you.

I must be positive and remember the good, better and days to be gratful for.

Damaged

I wrote this in year 2005.
Felt damaged. Still do.
This loneliness will never leave..
i'm just Not perfect anymore

In this world, surrounded by beauty, i am just but a damaged butterfly.
My wings are clipped, i can't fly. i am damaged....

Is it true that in this world, this society, once you are tainted, once you are damaged, you can no longer be as beautiful?
Maybe its just insecurity. Maybe it's just personal expectation that is a tad too high.
Would people mind? is it better to just leave them with the memories that you have created for them than to reveal what lies beneath?

let them bask in the beautiful facade that haunts them, not let them be haunted by the brokenness that is held together with all ounce of dignity.

are personalities personated? do we consciously want to play the part of whom we perceived ourselves to be? or do we act in the ways we think others like us to be?

I have no idea whom i am. Which side of me is true, which side of me is an imagination...


Which is real? Why don't anyone believes?
Why do I have to go through this over and over again?
Why torture me? Why an I so alone?
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“Damaged” by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would i know

I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can't go back

fragile, broken and in knots

when your heart is broken..
can it be fixed?
can it be put together?
strings and tapes,
ducts and glue.
when it's shattered
what's left of it?

Can it function
can it feel
can it love

will the pain remains
the emptiness
the once hopeful dreams

it hurts so bad.
for reasons more than I can say.
fragile and holding on.

it's will be good