Feeling really lousy

I have been meaning to write but couldn't bcos it just didn't feel comfortable typing a post at work.

I have been bothered by the comment my Dr made about me stabbing myself repeatedly. That if people are out to harm me, they don't have to do much, jut give me the knife and I will do all the job for them. And that me being being paranoid is just walking around the office with tinted glass.

Well, today work went quite alright, HH (my immediate supervisor) was exceptionally friendly bcos I produced detailed work for her in record time. I tried not to get too irrational...

But sometimes, I feel that it's so much easier to convey myself in written words.. Maybe I'm just skilled at masking my emotions if I could, unless on occasions when I'm just a flood gate. But beneath the ok outside persona I could master, i REALLY REALLY feel like SHIT!

I try not to dwell, but my insides hurts. I just feel frustrated, unloved and incompetent. That with all the niceness I get, people are laughing at my inability to handle JC, stress and that I'm a fool who think people genuinely likes me.

You asked, why do I want to hurt myself? If I do so, then where is my pride that I hold so fiercely on to? I want to hurt myself because I hurt so much inside. I don't know why. It's a gnawing pain, emptiness, hopelessness that just aches and hurts. I just want it to stop. I keep seeing myself at the edge of a roof, stabbing myself.. all these images in my head because I can't do it in reality. Or would I?

These images just keep filling me up when I am down. At night, I would cry. I have interrupted sleep because I am so afraid I would be late for a 7AM shift.

I don't know why I care or bother to be good at work. It doesn't matter right?

Anyway I have no idea how to paint this emotions as I am crying as I type this.  

Probably have a shower, watch some TV and get some sleep.

I will be meeting D (my manager) at 930AM tmr, he emailed me asking me to arrange an appointment.

Not too sure if i have other options available. God please tell me what are your plans for me.

I have to go in looking composed and remain cool.

Goodnight.

I just want to be happy.

Not to think that I'm useless. Not to cry at every provocation.
I feel ugly and lonely.
I feel stupid.
It's only 8 days pass new year. I'm afraid that I would have a relapse. That this would all would be in vain.
I can't breathe.
I wish I can just die.

I want to sit in a cafe and not work.
Be happy and relax.
I miss how humans feel.. or do I?
This is a privilege of the special cult.

Not happy

I am not happy.
Felt really really lonely, depressed and sad,
Contemplate suicide,

Wish could end this.
Violent mood swings.
Back stbbing colleagues

Who to trust?
It's an issue.

I lost all mood. Haven't done christmas shopping.
I wish I can abused the drug, To take lots, drink alciohol
To get a high.

I'm really down.
Tired.

I want to kill myslf at this instance.
Want to cry, to cry for the emptiness and pain no one else felt.

fragile, broken and in knots

when your heart is broken..
can it be fixed?
can it be put together?
strings and tapes,
ducts and glue.
when it's shattered
what's left of it?

Can it function
can it feel
can it love

will the pain remains
the emptiness
the once hopeful dreams

it hurts so bad.
for reasons more than I can say.
fragile and holding on.

it's will be good

I'm better

Hubby brought me to a nice hotel stay, he knows how much I love to soak in bathtubs.
Threw tantrum at him yesterday. Angry that he's sleeping when I couldn't.
Screaming, scratching and begging him to divorce me. Felt that I'm dragging him down,, that he deserves more.
Thought that if I'm out of his life, I can kill myself and he wouldn't know.
Ambivalent.
But I cried. I see the hurt in his eyes, I cried.
He asked, what can he so to make me better? Happier? I try. He understands.
I hate to see him sad.

My eyes hurt yesterday. I checked in and slept.
Feel better.
He is such a great man.
I'm sorry.

Ezposed. Raw, Naked

i felt exposed. Naked. Raw.
I have changed my direct supervisor. The boss of my pevious boss Hut is now my direct boss.
She knows all about me. She helped alot last year, trying to understand and nopt passing hurtful remarks.

She is a Christian and her thinking is very different. She toks abt depression being the battlefield of the mind. She prays alot for me. During our 1:1 session on Thurs, she asked alot, how it came about. what triggers it. i told her, my life story.
After that i dun feel good, i felt empty and expossed. I have a barrier and i felt this it has been taken away. that now i would have no more protection.

i like to keep things to myslef, No point sharing.
God works in miraculous ways but i wished that i hadn't said too much.

i have memorty lapsed. I placed blood tubes in ice when its to a ambient rack. I can't rememnber I did that.
wanted to wash my hair yesterday, i squirted the conditioner first.
I dun remember,,,

I'm losing it. I was confident at a 2 for the last 2 days. felt i was getting better and that it would pass. now i'm not so sure. t will attack me and I willl pray,

hubby do noot fully agree with L's. i'm confused with all these toks abt scriptures.
I can do it.
Now i'm just so tired. and raw, exposed and worried.