Feeling really lousy

I have been meaning to write but couldn't bcos it just didn't feel comfortable typing a post at work.

I have been bothered by the comment my Dr made about me stabbing myself repeatedly. That if people are out to harm me, they don't have to do much, jut give me the knife and I will do all the job for them. And that me being being paranoid is just walking around the office with tinted glass.

Well, today work went quite alright, HH (my immediate supervisor) was exceptionally friendly bcos I produced detailed work for her in record time. I tried not to get too irrational...

But sometimes, I feel that it's so much easier to convey myself in written words.. Maybe I'm just skilled at masking my emotions if I could, unless on occasions when I'm just a flood gate. But beneath the ok outside persona I could master, i REALLY REALLY feel like SHIT!

I try not to dwell, but my insides hurts. I just feel frustrated, unloved and incompetent. That with all the niceness I get, people are laughing at my inability to handle JC, stress and that I'm a fool who think people genuinely likes me.

You asked, why do I want to hurt myself? If I do so, then where is my pride that I hold so fiercely on to? I want to hurt myself because I hurt so much inside. I don't know why. It's a gnawing pain, emptiness, hopelessness that just aches and hurts. I just want it to stop. I keep seeing myself at the edge of a roof, stabbing myself.. all these images in my head because I can't do it in reality. Or would I?

These images just keep filling me up when I am down. At night, I would cry. I have interrupted sleep because I am so afraid I would be late for a 7AM shift.

I don't know why I care or bother to be good at work. It doesn't matter right?

Anyway I have no idea how to paint this emotions as I am crying as I type this.  

Probably have a shower, watch some TV and get some sleep.

I will be meeting D (my manager) at 930AM tmr, he emailed me asking me to arrange an appointment.

Not too sure if i have other options available. God please tell me what are your plans for me.

I have to go in looking composed and remain cool.

Goodnight.