I want to resign from my job

Here I am as usual, fallen prisoner to my own crippled mind.
I am feeling lousy and I have fallen into the trap of not going to work.

I did not go to work last Tues and Wed, and have dragged myself to work on Thurs and Fri as I can't bear the thought of letting my assistant down.
I managed to stand in front of 24 people on Sat during my study launch and presented to them, confidently. I received good feedback and I felt good.

But I felt inadequte too and have been very down since yesterday.

I am at home typing. I didn't go to work again. Think HR is going to talk to me soon.
I just can't control my minds and mood. I really really feel very very depressed. It's me, but I can't get out.

I want to hurt myself, yet I don't.
I'm caught in a catch 22.

I'm afraid I may have to leave this job as I can't cope. but it seems so weak.

I am very down and my tears are stuck. I can't cry.
I really really feel horrible. want to run away.

what shd I do?

losing trust in all

Just to let you know I'm on a low.
Feeling depressed.

HH (my direct supervisor/ boss) made comments about me to others that I'm not mature enough, that I'm resigning because I can't handle stress and can't people manage.

I gave reasons simply that it's time to move and learn new things.

Just partially upset why they would such things about me even if i'm impaired at managing people. Working with people, I'm ok. Maybe i'm just not management level yet.

Still feel awfully down and distrustful.

Yah, that's all.

Trust is a fool

It's official.

I'm out of job in  2 weeks. that's it. 5 years of hard work just reduced to this pathetic state.

I am angry, fuming. My head hurts, could be the flu but my entire body hurts like hell. I slept the entire day. wishing that I wouldn't have to get up of bed, that i could just die.

Lessons I have learn:

1. Never ever trust anyone at work. They just want something from you. They just want to hurt you or use you.

2. Never ever et your boss know about the medical conditions. They look at you with tinted eyes. That when you call in sick, they do no believe you. That you are sick because your depression must be starting again.

They think that my medications affects my work. It doesn't.

I am only on Lamactil and stilnox to sleep.

Occasionally peppered with Xanax.

Stopped Zoloft because it made my hands tremble and seroquel because it made me fuzzy and tired and I needed to work.

I thought they understood, but no, they are prejudiced.

I am nothing but a nut case.

you should see  the looks they give to me. Like have to get out of it.. etc.

That nobody would help you if you don't help yourself.

That you have wasted so much and now just a useless piece of shit.

I thought I was different, they were different, that they can see i'm doing well,just needed more med appointments recently that's all. but they form their own conclusion. it's over i can't work when there' no trust.

I hate JC. She started this, her bootlicking and politics game.

I really hate her.

I am so angry yet useless.

No difference from 2000...

I really put my heart and soul into this job for the last 5 years.

I thought I wouldn't get hurt by people anymore.

But that's just wistful thinking on my part.

It's the same,8 years ago when I was first diagnosed.

My friends left me. Told me they couldn't stand being around me.

And now, this.

I completed my degree, had a scholarship attachment. Completed it ahead of time.

No one knows.

Except my husband.

My beloved supervisor who encourages me and help me when I had a relapse in 2006.

She has left the company.

Now, I am all alone.

I look at the people around me. They just want to gossip.

The new girls just want to be better than me. 

To backstab me, to tell tales about me (well... just JC)

The management? They just lapped it all up.

I'm sure they plotted all these.

They are out to get rid of me.

I have completed so many projects. I get rave reviews from partners, from people that I have trained.

All these while on meds.

And now they tell me drugs affect my moods.

What irony?

I am very confused.

I do not want to give up my job and this income and this sense of self worth... but I feel that I have nothing now.

I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Dammit.

Want more pills and just not wake up.

Hate this feeling.

Discriminations at work

Basically what they are offering is that they are thinking about creating a new role in another dept. It's not a promotion, just different role to learn new things that may help in future jobs search. They are not clear about the exact definition of the role yet as D (who is a Dr and the manager of this unit I'm in) is still thinking abt it and would like to speak to me.  

Seems that HH told him over the phone that I'm resigning over JC. She told me that he thinks I'm immature and would want me to hold on the resignation as he wants to speak to me. That will be next Mon when he is back. I also clarified with HH and she is very certain that there will be no promotion for me this year bcos of my MCs. I dont think its fair. She told me that she is putting me up for consideration end last year, and last week says I definitely fall short due to my "glaring absenteeism" . 

Personally I think they are discriminated abt me. She thinks I'm not to the job of an In Charge becos she needs the In charge to be around at work and if Im going to fall sick and take MCs,I could not fulfill the output. Also, ever since they know abt my condition, now that HH has conned me into revealing to the other 2 supervisor (Y and N), I'm sure they have discussed abt me. Y told me that with the drugs I'm taking, it may have effects on me. That the drugs affected my mood. They only know that I'm on medication, but exactly what drugs, they do not know. 

I don't think its fair and im very angry. Bcos the drugs that I have chose to take has the least side effects. That I would sacrifice and not take the meds if it causes trembling, drowsiness etc. That they assumes that its all due to my drugs! I just think that they do not want to promote me, that all the MCs are excuses. 

Bcos I looked into her eyes and told her that when Im on MC, I was really sick and what would she do if I had chicken pox and had MC for 2 weeks? She just talk abt the MCs=output nonsense. i'm at a loss.. I tot abt how hard I worked for the past year, but it's all my own dreams. I wasn't so determined to get promoted but now she really chose her over me. We all started at a junior position, but she got in at my level.  

It's not abt JC anymore. She still irritates me but now I realized that it's all abt discrimination. That I shd have just saved my dignity and resigned when I was unwell instead of telling the truth. Now I have to endure all these humiliation and relegations to lower statuses.  

Wanted to see my Dr today.. but what do we do? More MCs? That would just proved them that they are very right isn't it?  

Im very depressed.

I'm scared

I'm scared.
I have to return to my job tomorrow.
Worried I can't cope.
I'm anxious.
I took so many med. I dun feel the "high" urges.. to sleep.
I worry that I only have 4 hours of sleep.
I'm depressed.
I'm scared.
I dowan to return... but I'm trapped. I can't escape.
I have no appetite.. (which is good for me)

Basically I am anxious.
I want to hide.
I want to pretend I'm fine.
I can't concentrate.
It's tiring having to pretend
I'm tired,

I wish I won't wake up.
Should I eat more pills?