heartbreak and goodbyes

I don't want her to leave.
I don't want Hut to leave me. The company. She is my pillar.
I don't want to be abandoned again.
she has a new life ahead, but i cannot take it.
I can't breathe.
My heart feels heavy, it's ripped. it's bleeding. I have never felt so emotional like this for a person for such a long time.

I cry. I'm regressing into a kid. I want tohold her and beg. But i'm an adult. I have to pretend to be cool. To be composed and say my goodbyes. No hugging least I cry. No crying later. People will talk. A girl creme told me 'fake strenght. cry and they will gossip that you can't fufill your new duties, they will wait for you to fall'

so pain stays, but a sad smile will walk her out. we are friends. this is not the end, but I need her at work. she's the reason why I stayed, why i'm in existance, why i'm at work,
i don't want her to leave me, to leave this safe heaven that L potray.

I'm not ready. I want to cut my heart out. at least the pain has an origin.
Shoulld I cut myself to see blood. would it make me feel better?

I feel truly blessed!

Remenber I wanted to give a gift to a friend whom I felt needs it?
I gave it to her- this morning.
I got a surprise myself too! She gave me a strawberry shortcake doll! it's so cute! It brought me back to my happy days. my childhood.
Another friend- Hut, leaving next wed msn me says.. ' so many people loves you.. you can't give up on the, on yourself"

i wrote hut a card. I cried non stop. im very sad. my eyes hurts. i wish I can jump and say goodbye.

But I remember and thank God for his blessings.