I feel truly blessed!

Remenber I wanted to give a gift to a friend whom I felt needs it?
I gave it to her- this morning.
I got a surprise myself too! She gave me a strawberry shortcake doll! it's so cute! It brought me back to my happy days. my childhood.
Another friend- Hut, leaving next wed msn me says.. ' so many people loves you.. you can't give up on the, on yourself"

i wrote hut a card. I cried non stop. im very sad. my eyes hurts. i wish I can jump and say goodbye.

But I remember and thank God for his blessings.

I'm Bipolar

You Are 92% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life. Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

encouragement for others

I felt happy earlier.
I went shopping. Bought a book, gifts and cards for few friends.
One is leaving the workplace next wed.
The other 2, feeling not too good recently.

I thought... why not make themm happy? cheer them up?
I really wanted to do it. To buy a little something, because they call out to me, and I somehow know that the gifts would be at home with the recipents. .. I hope. Heh.

I wrote a note with a card for a dear friend. someone who struggled depression. who is trying very hard to keep afloat. And when I read what I wrote, I realised .. that this is what I'm trying to tell myself. That God is here with me. He kept me afloat, I clinged on to Him, He loves me dearly and would not forsake me. If only I let go. I have to keep believing in His love. I love Him. And He loves me like His child. This message was meant for me. He works in miraculous ways.

I lost my temper. An inconsiderate neighbour above has a faulty aircon and it leaks water into my room and on my back. I was sitting just beneath the window. I didn't kick a fuss for i think a year. I bear with it. I adjusted my windows when I know that they are getting ready for their bed time. Why do I always give in? Why am I always the person being taken advantage of?
I want to scream and shout, to bang on their door, to let it all out. But no, considerate and me, partners. My friend. Meet me, the girl who is always too scared, avoids confrontations and let it all boils inside. Such a loser.

empty

I feel dead.
I feel empty.
There are gaps in my spaces of time.
I can't remember what I did. And when I do, it all felt like a dream to me.
I wish I don't have to be responsible to anyone around me.
That I can be alone.
So that I can just die.

Visions just keep appearing in my head. Of me at the edge of the ledge. Looking down.
I'm so terrified.

I made it through today!

Busy day at work. Woke up this morning wanting to kill myself and give it all up.
Realised I worked too hard for this. Forced- really FORCED myself to get to work.
Rained in the morning. Raining now.

Day was busy. Assistant was sick, I had to work doubly hard. Took my mind off my misery for awhile.
Glad that I made it, that I have something to show for the day.

Wanted to see my Dr today. To Beg for some meds. But as my luck was to have it, he's on leave for this week!
Hubby was really sad. I felt sad when I look at him. Do wished that he had married someone normal. That I hadn't gotten him into this. He's sleeping while I'm typing this, he's upset that I cried last night, that i couldn't sleep.
I should get some sleep.
Just wish that I can sleep forever.

So tired

I don't feel good.
This feeling has stayed with me closed to 6 weeks.
6 weeks of agony and struggles.

i want to resign from me job. But is that what U really want or is this just the blues that's talking?
I told my Dr about the struggles that I felt everyday. He kept encouraging me, says I'm doing well. SO much better. He's not keen to increase my dosage nor to add on any medications. He felt that since I have been through this struggles many times, I will use the skills I have learnt to manage this, to get through this.

I understand. Or do I?

I have seen him for 5 years. He taught me alot. I have gotten to know myself better. Alot are common sense. I wished for a day this will be over. That I will be normal. That I will stop my medications. That I don't have to give myself a prep talk every single day. That I don't have to pretend. That I can stop these struggles, these thoughts.

He told me that I have bipolar last year. This after almost 7 years of having cycles of depression. I felt a sense of relief, that I know what is actually wrong with me. That there is a more detailed sense of being. That it's not so vague after all.
Now it's more lows than high.
I used to be elated. Think quickly, photographic memory, needs little sleep, fun and cheery. Then I will crash. Cry, thinking of suicide, can't work, want to die and just rot in bed. He worrys about the lows. About me destroying what I have build up over the years. I'm happy being happy, being alert and smart. He argues, if you have this cycle constantly, you won't get to reap what you have built. He keep me between a -8 and maybe a 3. Being a 0 is not too bad when you can function. That's what he says.

But.. but wheres my life? I kept at it for almost a year. My last breakdown was in July last year. That's not too bad right?
Leaading a lifeless life. At a 0. No sadness, no joy. I missed myself being smart.

Now, I'm at a -6. I'm going down, I can feel it. I'm depressed. I want to kill myself. Tonight. But I can't.
I want to end it all. I'm a miserable wreck.