Not happy

I am not happy.
Felt really really lonely, depressed and sad,
Contemplate suicide,

Wish could end this.
Violent mood swings.
Back stbbing colleagues

Who to trust?
It's an issue.

I lost all mood. Haven't done christmas shopping.
I wish I can abused the drug, To take lots, drink alciohol
To get a high.

I'm really down.
Tired.

I want to kill myslf at this instance.
Want to cry, to cry for the emptiness and pain no one else felt.

Trust is an issue

I have done something unintentionally to hurt another perosn.
Fact is, I felt threatened by her.
I don't trust her.
I have an issue with trust.

I need to separate work and my live.
I cannot keep thinking of who is going to back stab me, make use of me etc.
I will go even crazier.

I dun feel good. The happiness is dwiddling.
I get frustrated... paranoid.
The threaat is there... I'm wary and on my guard.

She seems nice, but I have been betrayed and hurt by others. I just find her fake. I don't trust her... yet I have to work with her closely... I dun get good vibes.
Not keen to play politics.. but who is playing whom?

Strangely happy

I have been on Zoloft for 3 weeks and I feel strangely happy.
I have been sick for 3 weeks..
Bad bad cough, flu, so sick, so physically sick.
Yet, I feel so good. That I can work for the past 3 weeks. That I can get up in the morning and didn't have to drag myself to work.
I'm not sure. Should I be happy that I'm feeling strangely happy? Or should I be bothered that I need medications?

I saw my Dr, we continued my med, to get through X'mas, the next month, then we would start to reduce it to the minimum.
He says that it's ok for me to be back on med, that sometimes I just need that lift.
He's however, worried that zoloft may induce hypomania.

I felt a little sad today but as I'm typing.. my mood is lifting.
Let's see how it goes.
As for my cough, it's getting better with antibiotics, meds and lots of vitamins and herbs.

=)

Something striked me today..

The happiest people in the world are not those
who have no problems, but those who learn to
live with things that are less than perfect .

Somehow, this stays in my mind today. I am grateful to God, to my love ones, to all who love and support me. I have learn that sometimes in life, it's hard to be perfect. That nobody can ever be perfect.
I have to learn.
I have to learn not to let this illness gets me down.
But it's so hard.
If I have learn, I have tried, why does it keep attacking me?
Why does it affects my life that I have learn to accept?

No voice

By the way, I lost my voice.
Quite sad, especially on Fri, when all I want to do is talk and talk and talk.
Want to sharre my ideas and opinions. But I have no voice. They are kind to listen to my whispers and croacks, and i felt grateful that my 5 senses are intact and having that, I have no reasons to be depressed.
But these thoughts do not stay when you want to lie and cry in bed.
When you are tired and think the whole is plotting against you.

I must be positive and remember the good, better and days to be gratful for.

Feeling good on meds

I feel pretty good with Zoloft.
Surprisingly clamer, happier and strangely enthuiastic.
I know this is short term.. that he will revert back or reduce my med in 3 weeks time when I see him next,
He thinks medications are not a miracle.. which I know it's true.. but it helps didn't it?

This is artificial happiness.. but i like feeling something for once.
My life was partially dead.
I experienced grief when she left.
She's flying off to another country for work today, I just spoke to her. She is very stress and is trying to cope to learn with new things.. I encouraged her and told her she can make it through.
She's inflight now. Hope she will be OK there. all alone...

My doc gave me something to help in my sleep. He is so funny. It's a capsule and he instructed to take half. Tell me.. how to take half of a capsule?
Pour out the powder? I took one instead.

Medications made me feel good. I'm on leave tomorrow. Have to work on Tues, starts the cycle again.
Only downside.. Zoloft makes my hand tremor slightly.. not good when I need to work. Kind of lessen my self confidence.

I feel good the whole of today. Hope this good feeling last.
Really artificial aren't I?

Damaged

I wrote this in year 2005.
Felt damaged. Still do.
This loneliness will never leave..
i'm just Not perfect anymore

In this world, surrounded by beauty, i am just but a damaged butterfly.
My wings are clipped, i can't fly. i am damaged....

Is it true that in this world, this society, once you are tainted, once you are damaged, you can no longer be as beautiful?
Maybe its just insecurity. Maybe it's just personal expectation that is a tad too high.
Would people mind? is it better to just leave them with the memories that you have created for them than to reveal what lies beneath?

let them bask in the beautiful facade that haunts them, not let them be haunted by the brokenness that is held together with all ounce of dignity.

are personalities personated? do we consciously want to play the part of whom we perceived ourselves to be? or do we act in the ways we think others like us to be?

I have no idea whom i am. Which side of me is true, which side of me is an imagination...


Which is real? Why don't anyone believes?
Why do I have to go through this over and over again?
Why torture me? Why an I so alone?
-----------------------------------------------




“Damaged” by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would i know

I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can't go back

I'm scared

I'm scared.
I have to return to my job tomorrow.
Worried I can't cope.
I'm anxious.
I took so many med. I dun feel the "high" urges.. to sleep.
I worry that I only have 4 hours of sleep.
I'm depressed.
I'm scared.
I dowan to return... but I'm trapped. I can't escape.
I have no appetite.. (which is good for me)

Basically I am anxious.
I want to hide.
I want to pretend I'm fine.
I can't concentrate.
It's tiring having to pretend
I'm tired,

I wish I won't wake up.
Should I eat more pills?

Distance

My Dr told me to keep a distance from L.
To prevent myself from feeling raw, exposed.
He says, best to keep professional and personal aside. Have a barrier.
I'm now scared.
I don't like to not be in control.
I don't like it when people knows too much and tries to help.
Thay can't.
It's not so simple. Not so easy.
They think they know everything.
I'm scared.

Likes being a little girl

I saw my Dr with my hubby this morning.
it was insightful. i persuaded him for more meds. Gave Zoloft 25mg, Lamictal 100mg (up from 50mg) , stilnox and rivotril 0.5mg BD.
He's not keen.. says medications are not miracles.
But agreed to use it to get through this period.
I hope I can be better. Just do not like the side effects of Zoloft (slight hand tremors).. not good when I need to work.
Wnat to be free from it all. To stay home and sleep, to watch TV, DVDs, movies and surf the net.
To escape responsiblities and the facade of being me.

My mum keeps all my meds. I surrendered them to her. To prevent and avoid overdose.
What a child.

So we walked along the streets today.
ended up with shiny, polished teeth =)
nothing in particular, we walked, held hands, talked and I shopped. (heeheh) I keep spending. I can buy more.
I enjoyed every moment with you.

My Dr says he's strong, he watches me because he has to.
I complained about invasion of privacy. But it's compromised.

I have beensleeping on the floor lately. Waiting for him to notice I'm not by his side.
Liked the feeling of being "carried" to bed. Like a child.
Wants him, to test him to see if I make a difference.
But more of likeing to being treated like a little girl.

He has to work tomorrow. I have another day rest to get better (like can I can better in 2 days?!!?)
But better than none.
I have plans to bring mom out to eat.. or maybe to go grocery shopping, to return the movies I have rented.
But my gut tells me I will be in bed. Miserable and wanting to sleep and escape again.

Please don't leave me tomorrow.
Don't go to work.
I need you.

False Positives

I think he's really angry.
I think he hates me.
I think I should sleep early to avoid a fight.
I can feel it.
feel the itch of a fight.

I get sleepy in the day.
Alert in the night.
But nights are destructive, to self, to others.
But night is where I can think.
Where I can feel.

I hate routines.
I hate having to sleep early just to avoid a downfall.
To be able to function at work.
I hate it all.
I hate myself.
I just hate hate haTE!!

But I so need to be normal.. to function.
I'm a miserable wreck.

Will be seeing my Dr tomorrow.
Will he add any meds?
Or would he say I can carry on?
I think I need some addtional meds to carry me on for awhile..
Till this gets over, better.
It will never be totally over.

Just false positive.

Irony

I wish I can pick up the phone..
Call out to everyone.
Hey! Look at me! I'm depressed.. Do you know?
Isn't it great?
Are you scared of me? Ha!

I wish! I can scream at everyone, Look at me!
Aren't I doing great?
I have a degree.
i have a job!
But pity me so, I need medications!
Ha!

What irony!

Wouldn't that be seeking attention? Like so many people believed about depressed people?
Ignorant fools!

everybody just go away please...
please leave me alone.
why is everyone stressing me to get well?
dn't I want to recover too?
To function?
Why are you watching me like a hawk?

Lonely

She is both hubby and me favourite actress of all times. for the past 10 years.
She looks lonely curled up. it's posing. But i feel lonely.
Lonely. Lonely . Lonely.'
Wish I'm prettier, smarter, not empty.

I sit on a chair in a crowded room but i'm all alone. They don't exist. The just looked through and I pretend I know.
I'm empty, I'm lonely. and I heart her. she's great.

I want to throw everyting!

I have plans.. alot of simple plans.
To pack, sort and tidy my place. To categorize my DVDs, CDs, DVDs- Drama, DVDs- Movies.
Into each box. wait, I need to get nice pretty boxes, that prevents dust from entering.
also, I need to throw things which I do not want, but kept just because I feel sorry for them.
Just because there may be uses for them.
I need to organise, to clean, to de clutter, to do so much.
I throw away stuffs often this month. makes me feel good. Better.

I want to throw all away! All into the air, cry and scream.
I know if I do that I will regret in the morning,
Don't you hate nights?
Make you think of new ideas.. and when you fail, you feel like an idiot.

I wanted to get a present for a friend. Her birthday is on this Wed. I went to the shop on Fri, at 8PM. The movie she wanted was there. I thought, will get it tomorrow. I went back, it's gone. I wanted to cry, I got it all planned out. I feel useless. Can't even get something simple.
Now I look at what I have hoard, I dunno what to give away, what to sell. Hate to stop buying just because I have no space.
I hate everything. I will do whatever I want. Fuck it all.

I spent and I thought it's ok. I didn't know so much has gone in the span of 10 days.
what can I do that is right?
When can I have more space?
When can I stop feeling stupid?

fragile, broken and in knots

when your heart is broken..
can it be fixed?
can it be put together?
strings and tapes,
ducts and glue.
when it's shattered
what's left of it?

Can it function
can it feel
can it love

will the pain remains
the emptiness
the once hopeful dreams

it hurts so bad.
for reasons more than I can say.
fragile and holding on.

it's will be good

I'm better

Hubby brought me to a nice hotel stay, he knows how much I love to soak in bathtubs.
Threw tantrum at him yesterday. Angry that he's sleeping when I couldn't.
Screaming, scratching and begging him to divorce me. Felt that I'm dragging him down,, that he deserves more.
Thought that if I'm out of his life, I can kill myself and he wouldn't know.
Ambivalent.
But I cried. I see the hurt in his eyes, I cried.
He asked, what can he so to make me better? Happier? I try. He understands.
I hate to see him sad.

My eyes hurt yesterday. I checked in and slept.
Feel better.
He is such a great man.
I'm sorry.

heartbreak and goodbyes

I don't want her to leave.
I don't want Hut to leave me. The company. She is my pillar.
I don't want to be abandoned again.
she has a new life ahead, but i cannot take it.
I can't breathe.
My heart feels heavy, it's ripped. it's bleeding. I have never felt so emotional like this for a person for such a long time.

I cry. I'm regressing into a kid. I want tohold her and beg. But i'm an adult. I have to pretend to be cool. To be composed and say my goodbyes. No hugging least I cry. No crying later. People will talk. A girl creme told me 'fake strenght. cry and they will gossip that you can't fufill your new duties, they will wait for you to fall'

so pain stays, but a sad smile will walk her out. we are friends. this is not the end, but I need her at work. she's the reason why I stayed, why i'm in existance, why i'm at work,
i don't want her to leave me, to leave this safe heaven that L potray.

I'm not ready. I want to cut my heart out. at least the pain has an origin.
Shoulld I cut myself to see blood. would it make me feel better?

scream and rip

I am so angry!
Angry that my mum violated my privacy. Out of curiousity, she looked through my drawers because I cleared it out last Sun.
Her reason, she wanted to see what's in it. How much I have thrown away. I knew my things have been shifted. I have a system. I'm obsessive of how I placed my things. I know when someone else looked through or touched my stuffs. both at home and at work.

I'm trying to take things easy. Not wanting to say anything that would hurt her feelings. I'm so angry now, I want to gulp down all my pills.

I hope she hasn't seen my personal stuffs. Letters and stuffs. She's curious. Harmless. I'm trying to justify.
It doesn't seems as though shee has seen what she's not suppose to see. But she has seen my protection which she claims she has no idea. Do I believe her? Why not? I'm legally married.
It's just.. for so many years, she never touched my things other than to pack or clean or tidy up.
I have never felt intruded. Not like my friends.

But today.. I felt so violated. So angry. I have hatred towards everyone. I want to scratch myself till I bleed.
And I have to pretend tomorrow again.

I need a shower. I want to scream and rip it all out.

scream!

I feel strange.
Not really good.
I went to work, I collected my night med from my Dr. Didn't make an appointment, didn't get to see him as he has left.
He came back last Fri. Sent me an encouraging email.

I felt fine. Tired. Went into Starbucks. Bought a Latte.
Then it started as I sat down. The noise. It overwhelms me.
My head.. it felt detached. I feel sick, i don't feel real. I want to scream in the middle of the shopping centre. In Borders, on the street.
I walked, i browsed. I bought a notebook that cost $11 for it looking pretty cool. I could spend more.But I lost interest.
I found a book, I read. The head, the place. I don't feel good. Panic attack? Suddenly I felt closed in. The people... they are everywhere. The noise, it's making me cry inside.

I want to stop pretending. I am so tired. I hate to carry on, to work, when all I want to do is curl up at home, in bed. Not seeing anyone. Stop pretending to be efficient and smart.
I want time to stop. Just a day, no make it a week. Just let me disappear and nobody notice and I will come back and start the show that nobody knows that it has stopped.

Do I need to stop? To lose this momentum? I'm at a loss...
Routine is good. When I tell myself I can continue.. am I lying? Cos I feel it's coming. The lows. I'm controlling it, but I don't know how long this can hold on. When I feel like throwing it and just scream.

I really hate this. The confusion in my head. The battle of logic and chemicals.
I don't feel real. I don't feel so good.

artificial.fakes in this world

This world is dam artificial.
I am artificial, in less than 4 hours, I need to get my ass out of bed. trugged through the rain and into this "safe haven" dubbed by L. My foot. i need to pretend. all eyes are on me. the cruelty that some looked at me, waiting to see me fall ( they do not know abt me) but they are evil, they can't wait to see me fall, can wait to hear gossips about me.
I am just entertainment.
I pretend.
I will be what they want to see.
I lost myself long ago.

i found letters i wrote for an ex plus some pix today while clearing the drawers. I read it, and i threw the photos away. cut myslf up too. what hurts me was this sentence he said ' if you want to break up fine. i can live without you. But you can never live without me". 6 years and it hurts.. from someone who causes this breakdown, who treated you like dirt, like shit after you have been diagnosed. it sucks. i do not miss him or have any feelings for him now. but those words, those thoughts, thouse impressions of what happened came inching into your mind. it make me sick.

i can't write as well. im artificial.]
i need to sleep. to get my aartificial life going.
i am so a fake.

Ezposed. Raw, Naked

i felt exposed. Naked. Raw.
I have changed my direct supervisor. The boss of my pevious boss Hut is now my direct boss.
She knows all about me. She helped alot last year, trying to understand and nopt passing hurtful remarks.

She is a Christian and her thinking is very different. She toks abt depression being the battlefield of the mind. She prays alot for me. During our 1:1 session on Thurs, she asked alot, how it came about. what triggers it. i told her, my life story.
After that i dun feel good, i felt empty and expossed. I have a barrier and i felt this it has been taken away. that now i would have no more protection.

i like to keep things to myslef, No point sharing.
God works in miraculous ways but i wished that i hadn't said too much.

i have memorty lapsed. I placed blood tubes in ice when its to a ambient rack. I can't rememnber I did that.
wanted to wash my hair yesterday, i squirted the conditioner first.
I dun remember,,,

I'm losing it. I was confident at a 2 for the last 2 days. felt i was getting better and that it would pass. now i'm not so sure. t will attack me and I willl pray,

hubby do noot fully agree with L's. i'm confused with all these toks abt scriptures.
I can do it.
Now i'm just so tired. and raw, exposed and worried.

all curled up

I feel truly blessed!

Remenber I wanted to give a gift to a friend whom I felt needs it?
I gave it to her- this morning.
I got a surprise myself too! She gave me a strawberry shortcake doll! it's so cute! It brought me back to my happy days. my childhood.
Another friend- Hut, leaving next wed msn me says.. ' so many people loves you.. you can't give up on the, on yourself"

i wrote hut a card. I cried non stop. im very sad. my eyes hurts. i wish I can jump and say goodbye.

But I remember and thank God for his blessings.

I'm Bipolar

You Are 92% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life. Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

encouragement for others

I felt happy earlier.
I went shopping. Bought a book, gifts and cards for few friends.
One is leaving the workplace next wed.
The other 2, feeling not too good recently.

I thought... why not make themm happy? cheer them up?
I really wanted to do it. To buy a little something, because they call out to me, and I somehow know that the gifts would be at home with the recipents. .. I hope. Heh.

I wrote a note with a card for a dear friend. someone who struggled depression. who is trying very hard to keep afloat. And when I read what I wrote, I realised .. that this is what I'm trying to tell myself. That God is here with me. He kept me afloat, I clinged on to Him, He loves me dearly and would not forsake me. If only I let go. I have to keep believing in His love. I love Him. And He loves me like His child. This message was meant for me. He works in miraculous ways.

I lost my temper. An inconsiderate neighbour above has a faulty aircon and it leaks water into my room and on my back. I was sitting just beneath the window. I didn't kick a fuss for i think a year. I bear with it. I adjusted my windows when I know that they are getting ready for their bed time. Why do I always give in? Why am I always the person being taken advantage of?
I want to scream and shout, to bang on their door, to let it all out. But no, considerate and me, partners. My friend. Meet me, the girl who is always too scared, avoids confrontations and let it all boils inside. Such a loser.

empty

I feel dead.
I feel empty.
There are gaps in my spaces of time.
I can't remember what I did. And when I do, it all felt like a dream to me.
I wish I don't have to be responsible to anyone around me.
That I can be alone.
So that I can just die.

Visions just keep appearing in my head. Of me at the edge of the ledge. Looking down.
I'm so terrified.

I made it through today!

Busy day at work. Woke up this morning wanting to kill myself and give it all up.
Realised I worked too hard for this. Forced- really FORCED myself to get to work.
Rained in the morning. Raining now.

Day was busy. Assistant was sick, I had to work doubly hard. Took my mind off my misery for awhile.
Glad that I made it, that I have something to show for the day.

Wanted to see my Dr today. To Beg for some meds. But as my luck was to have it, he's on leave for this week!
Hubby was really sad. I felt sad when I look at him. Do wished that he had married someone normal. That I hadn't gotten him into this. He's sleeping while I'm typing this, he's upset that I cried last night, that i couldn't sleep.
I should get some sleep.
Just wish that I can sleep forever.

So tired

I don't feel good.
This feeling has stayed with me closed to 6 weeks.
6 weeks of agony and struggles.

i want to resign from me job. But is that what U really want or is this just the blues that's talking?
I told my Dr about the struggles that I felt everyday. He kept encouraging me, says I'm doing well. SO much better. He's not keen to increase my dosage nor to add on any medications. He felt that since I have been through this struggles many times, I will use the skills I have learnt to manage this, to get through this.

I understand. Or do I?

I have seen him for 5 years. He taught me alot. I have gotten to know myself better. Alot are common sense. I wished for a day this will be over. That I will be normal. That I will stop my medications. That I don't have to give myself a prep talk every single day. That I don't have to pretend. That I can stop these struggles, these thoughts.

He told me that I have bipolar last year. This after almost 7 years of having cycles of depression. I felt a sense of relief, that I know what is actually wrong with me. That there is a more detailed sense of being. That it's not so vague after all.
Now it's more lows than high.
I used to be elated. Think quickly, photographic memory, needs little sleep, fun and cheery. Then I will crash. Cry, thinking of suicide, can't work, want to die and just rot in bed. He worrys about the lows. About me destroying what I have build up over the years. I'm happy being happy, being alert and smart. He argues, if you have this cycle constantly, you won't get to reap what you have built. He keep me between a -8 and maybe a 3. Being a 0 is not too bad when you can function. That's what he says.

But.. but wheres my life? I kept at it for almost a year. My last breakdown was in July last year. That's not too bad right?
Leaading a lifeless life. At a 0. No sadness, no joy. I missed myself being smart.

Now, I'm at a -6. I'm going down, I can feel it. I'm depressed. I want to kill myself. Tonight. But I can't.
I want to end it all. I'm a miserable wreck.