scream!

I feel strange.
Not really good.
I went to work, I collected my night med from my Dr. Didn't make an appointment, didn't get to see him as he has left.
He came back last Fri. Sent me an encouraging email.

I felt fine. Tired. Went into Starbucks. Bought a Latte.
Then it started as I sat down. The noise. It overwhelms me.
My head.. it felt detached. I feel sick, i don't feel real. I want to scream in the middle of the shopping centre. In Borders, on the street.
I walked, i browsed. I bought a notebook that cost $11 for it looking pretty cool. I could spend more.But I lost interest.
I found a book, I read. The head, the place. I don't feel good. Panic attack? Suddenly I felt closed in. The people... they are everywhere. The noise, it's making me cry inside.

I want to stop pretending. I am so tired. I hate to carry on, to work, when all I want to do is curl up at home, in bed. Not seeing anyone. Stop pretending to be efficient and smart.
I want time to stop. Just a day, no make it a week. Just let me disappear and nobody notice and I will come back and start the show that nobody knows that it has stopped.

Do I need to stop? To lose this momentum? I'm at a loss...
Routine is good. When I tell myself I can continue.. am I lying? Cos I feel it's coming. The lows. I'm controlling it, but I don't know how long this can hold on. When I feel like throwing it and just scream.

I really hate this. The confusion in my head. The battle of logic and chemicals.
I don't feel real. I don't feel so good.