Not happy

I am not happy.
Felt really really lonely, depressed and sad,
Contemplate suicide,

Wish could end this.
Violent mood swings.
Back stbbing colleagues

Who to trust?
It's an issue.

I lost all mood. Haven't done christmas shopping.
I wish I can abused the drug, To take lots, drink alciohol
To get a high.

I'm really down.
Tired.

I want to kill myslf at this instance.
Want to cry, to cry for the emptiness and pain no one else felt.

Trust is an issue

I have done something unintentionally to hurt another perosn.
Fact is, I felt threatened by her.
I don't trust her.
I have an issue with trust.

I need to separate work and my live.
I cannot keep thinking of who is going to back stab me, make use of me etc.
I will go even crazier.

I dun feel good. The happiness is dwiddling.
I get frustrated... paranoid.
The threaat is there... I'm wary and on my guard.

She seems nice, but I have been betrayed and hurt by others. I just find her fake. I don't trust her... yet I have to work with her closely... I dun get good vibes.
Not keen to play politics.. but who is playing whom?

Strangely happy

I have been on Zoloft for 3 weeks and I feel strangely happy.
I have been sick for 3 weeks..
Bad bad cough, flu, so sick, so physically sick.
Yet, I feel so good. That I can work for the past 3 weeks. That I can get up in the morning and didn't have to drag myself to work.
I'm not sure. Should I be happy that I'm feeling strangely happy? Or should I be bothered that I need medications?

I saw my Dr, we continued my med, to get through X'mas, the next month, then we would start to reduce it to the minimum.
He says that it's ok for me to be back on med, that sometimes I just need that lift.
He's however, worried that zoloft may induce hypomania.

I felt a little sad today but as I'm typing.. my mood is lifting.
Let's see how it goes.
As for my cough, it's getting better with antibiotics, meds and lots of vitamins and herbs.

=)

Something striked me today..

The happiest people in the world are not those
who have no problems, but those who learn to
live with things that are less than perfect .

Somehow, this stays in my mind today. I am grateful to God, to my love ones, to all who love and support me. I have learn that sometimes in life, it's hard to be perfect. That nobody can ever be perfect.
I have to learn.
I have to learn not to let this illness gets me down.
But it's so hard.
If I have learn, I have tried, why does it keep attacking me?
Why does it affects my life that I have learn to accept?

No voice

By the way, I lost my voice.
Quite sad, especially on Fri, when all I want to do is talk and talk and talk.
Want to sharre my ideas and opinions. But I have no voice. They are kind to listen to my whispers and croacks, and i felt grateful that my 5 senses are intact and having that, I have no reasons to be depressed.
But these thoughts do not stay when you want to lie and cry in bed.
When you are tired and think the whole is plotting against you.

I must be positive and remember the good, better and days to be gratful for.

Feeling good on meds

I feel pretty good with Zoloft.
Surprisingly clamer, happier and strangely enthuiastic.
I know this is short term.. that he will revert back or reduce my med in 3 weeks time when I see him next,
He thinks medications are not a miracle.. which I know it's true.. but it helps didn't it?

This is artificial happiness.. but i like feeling something for once.
My life was partially dead.
I experienced grief when she left.
She's flying off to another country for work today, I just spoke to her. She is very stress and is trying to cope to learn with new things.. I encouraged her and told her she can make it through.
She's inflight now. Hope she will be OK there. all alone...

My doc gave me something to help in my sleep. He is so funny. It's a capsule and he instructed to take half. Tell me.. how to take half of a capsule?
Pour out the powder? I took one instead.

Medications made me feel good. I'm on leave tomorrow. Have to work on Tues, starts the cycle again.
Only downside.. Zoloft makes my hand tremor slightly.. not good when I need to work. Kind of lessen my self confidence.

I feel good the whole of today. Hope this good feeling last.
Really artificial aren't I?

Damaged

I wrote this in year 2005.
Felt damaged. Still do.
This loneliness will never leave..
i'm just Not perfect anymore

In this world, surrounded by beauty, i am just but a damaged butterfly.
My wings are clipped, i can't fly. i am damaged....

Is it true that in this world, this society, once you are tainted, once you are damaged, you can no longer be as beautiful?
Maybe its just insecurity. Maybe it's just personal expectation that is a tad too high.
Would people mind? is it better to just leave them with the memories that you have created for them than to reveal what lies beneath?

let them bask in the beautiful facade that haunts them, not let them be haunted by the brokenness that is held together with all ounce of dignity.

are personalities personated? do we consciously want to play the part of whom we perceived ourselves to be? or do we act in the ways we think others like us to be?

I have no idea whom i am. Which side of me is true, which side of me is an imagination...


Which is real? Why don't anyone believes?
Why do I have to go through this over and over again?
Why torture me? Why an I so alone?
-----------------------------------------------




“Damaged” by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would i know

I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can't go back

I'm scared

I'm scared.
I have to return to my job tomorrow.
Worried I can't cope.
I'm anxious.
I took so many med. I dun feel the "high" urges.. to sleep.
I worry that I only have 4 hours of sleep.
I'm depressed.
I'm scared.
I dowan to return... but I'm trapped. I can't escape.
I have no appetite.. (which is good for me)

Basically I am anxious.
I want to hide.
I want to pretend I'm fine.
I can't concentrate.
It's tiring having to pretend
I'm tired,

I wish I won't wake up.
Should I eat more pills?

Distance

My Dr told me to keep a distance from L.
To prevent myself from feeling raw, exposed.
He says, best to keep professional and personal aside. Have a barrier.
I'm now scared.
I don't like to not be in control.
I don't like it when people knows too much and tries to help.
Thay can't.
It's not so simple. Not so easy.
They think they know everything.
I'm scared.

Likes being a little girl

I saw my Dr with my hubby this morning.
it was insightful. i persuaded him for more meds. Gave Zoloft 25mg, Lamictal 100mg (up from 50mg) , stilnox and rivotril 0.5mg BD.
He's not keen.. says medications are not miracles.
But agreed to use it to get through this period.
I hope I can be better. Just do not like the side effects of Zoloft (slight hand tremors).. not good when I need to work.
Wnat to be free from it all. To stay home and sleep, to watch TV, DVDs, movies and surf the net.
To escape responsiblities and the facade of being me.

My mum keeps all my meds. I surrendered them to her. To prevent and avoid overdose.
What a child.

So we walked along the streets today.
ended up with shiny, polished teeth =)
nothing in particular, we walked, held hands, talked and I shopped. (heeheh) I keep spending. I can buy more.
I enjoyed every moment with you.

My Dr says he's strong, he watches me because he has to.
I complained about invasion of privacy. But it's compromised.

I have beensleeping on the floor lately. Waiting for him to notice I'm not by his side.
Liked the feeling of being "carried" to bed. Like a child.
Wants him, to test him to see if I make a difference.
But more of likeing to being treated like a little girl.

He has to work tomorrow. I have another day rest to get better (like can I can better in 2 days?!!?)
But better than none.
I have plans to bring mom out to eat.. or maybe to go grocery shopping, to return the movies I have rented.
But my gut tells me I will be in bed. Miserable and wanting to sleep and escape again.

Please don't leave me tomorrow.
Don't go to work.
I need you.