I want to resign from my job

Here I am as usual, fallen prisoner to my own crippled mind.
I am feeling lousy and I have fallen into the trap of not going to work.

I did not go to work last Tues and Wed, and have dragged myself to work on Thurs and Fri as I can't bear the thought of letting my assistant down.
I managed to stand in front of 24 people on Sat during my study launch and presented to them, confidently. I received good feedback and I felt good.

But I felt inadequte too and have been very down since yesterday.

I am at home typing. I didn't go to work again. Think HR is going to talk to me soon.
I just can't control my minds and mood. I really really feel very very depressed. It's me, but I can't get out.

I want to hurt myself, yet I don't.
I'm caught in a catch 22.

I'm afraid I may have to leave this job as I can't cope. but it seems so weak.

I am very down and my tears are stuck. I can't cry.
I really really feel horrible. want to run away.

what shd I do?

Somewhere in Between

I'm happy.. Ok not quite happy but feel better and feeling able to cope.

I went for the interview today, they are keen to get my started on Friday.

I have to commence early due to handing over issues. My hubby and I have plans to go for  trip before I start a job, so this was quite a deliberation.

Anyhow, the company feels that it's vital to work for a couple of days as the existing employee will have a change of job role and thus will not be available when I return.

On my part, I am a perfectionist and frankly I feel the need to know the current task and assignments at hand.

I have 10 hours to make a final decision.

My Dr says go ahead. he feels I perform better with structure and expectations. And though I have my more down days in the month of April, I think i can function.

But I'm scared.

I know we need time to be ready, I get this question from my hubby " are you ready to work?" I answered... " will I ever be ready?" I lived with this horrible mood roller coaster. I am starting a new job on Friday, I am scared. I feel confident in the day " Yes! I can do it!" I shout! And now at 12 MN.... I wonder and i get fearful and i get paranoid about whether I will get a mental breakdown.

Do you get this often?

Feeling gung- ho and all out, raring to go in the day and crying in the night? Being afraid to go to work the next day?

I can't be controlled by my moods... But it controls me strongly.

I can wake up and not wanting to go to work and that's bad.

I don't want to be like this.

I wish to have a change of brain.

But I can do it right?

I need to at least give myself a chance adn learn to cope with stress and recognise trigger prevailing factors.

something to smile about

i feel slightly better. surfing the net and this catty picture is really cute!

How do you et them to cooperate?!!

love cats, they have their own mind and characteristics and they don't give a dam about what people thinks!

confused

I cut myself and I'm  not proud of it.

I just cannot cope and this red ugly thing staring at me is just ugly.

i Can't sleep and i may have to start working soon.. like maybe wed.. it's not confirmed.

i am really tired, i just want to cry and cry and stay in bed and no, i can't sleep even this morning.

when i work i really need to focus. this being a new job and all.. hubby is worried about my state of mind, that i may be stressed and not cope and may have a mental breakdown.

but when can i ever be ready?

when will another opportunity like this arises?

i'm very confused.

i need to go to the company tomorrow again for the 3rd interview.

i feel.. i haven't had enough time to rest. am i lazy? i rested since 29 march but it's not enough.

i felt that i haven't had enough me time. the time is for others. to look ok... to meet people for coffee.. to be there for them.

i need me time.

have to go out again this evening. accompanying friend for a haircut.

i just want to stay home!

Good day till the nights

I had a good day today.

Went for an interview at 4PM. lasted till 530PM, walked around town, had some coffee and bought some korean side dishes for the fried rice my mum made.

Now, i am as usual PISSED!

I simply cannot comprehend why  just cant sleep!

it's 0235hrs. I woke up at 1000hrs, walked myself tire out and now I can't go to sleep!

I took drugs, herbs... valarian, stilnox 20mg, Dalmadorm 60mg, my dwilling stash of 500mg seroquel, xanax.. all to feed a baby, me! I often wondered why  the doses are so minute. well, all except seroquel when they 1st started me on them and i couldn't work.

I drank alcohol with my meds!

it's not working, else I would be sleeping.

i am a drug addict.

im pathethic and i dunno who to tell.

they all want me to sleep naturally. at latest 12mn. I can't! My hubby hates me using internet at night because it stimulate my brain.. i agree but i need to get this off!! i have nothing else left to eat or drink in this house that is sleep inducing unless i literally steal another 10mg of stilnox from  my mum. My hubby need to sleep today. Rested for early AM conference call.

I watched TV, re runs of America next top model loves rene but I know she lost.CSI is showing now, so tempting. i am all out of options. lie on the bed and pray, surf the net or read a book.. no concentration for the last one.

i am going high and mad from not sleeping. my Dr. is on conference and ordered damadorm, i doesn't work!

*cries*

I can't sleep!

i hate my f****ass self

i can't sleep

i'm irritated to the brink of going insane ( which is like strange cos I'm already am right?

i took all my pills with alcohol at see.. range of 12 am to last take 330 am.

i am wide awake!

wide dame asshole awake

i slapped myself, slam my head against the wall.

i want to jump.

its horrible

not to sleep

it may sound trivial to many but to me its horrible.

i might as well just hang in there till 6 and wake my husband up

see i want to kill  myself

my dr gave prescription for Dalmadorm 3o to collect tomorrow. it doesn't work at all.

its money spend to make all of us feel better..

i tot alcohol and drugs are not suppose to mix?

fool!

IT' 410 AAM!!!!!!!

sleep deprieved

i don't feel like writing.

I can't sleep.

want to drug  myself....

zip zap short circuit

i feel miserable.

that's too simple.. but i have no idea how else to describe how i'm feeling other than utterly miserable...

i have no desire to do anything.. all i want to do is sleep yet i have to fore myself to wake up at a certain time... otherwise i can't sleep again tonight.. and what is worse than not sleeping at night when the whole house is asleep and all you want to do is trash the house apart because of the frustrations of not sleeping?!!

i get this "short circuit" zap thing in my head and I know something bad is on it's way...

it goes ziip...zap.. like the current is out of functioning. how can I describe this to anyone sane?

i'm irritable.. i spent alot of money buying CDs, DVDs, clothes an groceries ( why do I need so much?) and now as I look at my finances, i need to start seriously to apply for a job. but I have only sent one CV out and I'm so damm proud of myself for that!

i have a confession, there were days during the week where i felt rather unsettled, agitated and I used a needle and slice the skin.. just seeing the skin tear apart makes me relaxed. just one line. I did it yesterday on my thigh and i hope no one asked where did I get the cut from....

i'm supposed to meet some friends from work tomorrow.... i just messaged them to tell them I won't be joining. I know they will get angry, mad, pissed whatever... but I just don't feel like joining them. Or seeing people....

i can't do it. i have no mood and i would be very happy to just curl up and die.. if someone will allow me to.

This will pass but i am angry, depressed, agitated and anxious.

Argh!

a week just passed

I left my job 1 week ago...

and I slept my week away.

I can't sleep at night.. and when I finally fall into sleep, I have vivid dreams.

I can't wake up.. and when I do, it's almost 3pm.

What a waste of day.

Sent out a CV.. did some pottering around the house, gave myself a list of things to do.

Things that I had no time while I  was working.

Well.. will try to get myself out of the house for some shopping I hope.

Having an impulsive streak to buy bags and shoes! 

I need to do something

I haven't been writing.

Didn't feel like it. alot has happen but the words just cant seems to flow.

I have so much to bitch.. abut the unfairness of work.. but not now, another time.

My last working day was end of March. I'm free now... idling aT home. much as I want to do so, I'm obligated to meet up with my friends and to run the few errands.

And, I need to look for a job soon, which means getting my CV and certificates in order.

I'm lazy, i want to stay in bed.. yet afraid that that will be all i'm doing.

I'm tired and mildly depressed. That whole work incident has drawn the shit and anger out of me and it just made me so mad!

it's 1.30am... i can't sleep. my husband s sound asleep. I took Xanax, Dalmadorm, stillnox, lamictal and i angrily swallowed 50mg of Seroquel.

I'm still typing....

And tomorrow, I will take all energy just to get up and not waste half my day.

I need to get my CV in order but I have no mood.

Argh! Angry with myself... this procrastinator!! urgh!

cut like a paper

i'm depressed.

my head hurts. it doesn't feel good.

i'm going mad.

the noise of people at work mocking at me. that i'm useless, cannot take stress. their laughter.

i see them looking at me with disdain.

i am in pain. i want to die. want to slash the knife across my wrist. to poke myself i found needles and i poke myself. i cut myself and the blood cant stop.

i cant bear to return to work. just 3 more terrible hypocritical days.

the pain feels so good.

i want to cut more

i hate myself

im going down

i just want to die

A little motivation

It's all a lie.

Beneath the clam exterior, I am a freaking nutcase.

I am dead yet I want to cry.

I need to motivate myself. It has been raining and I did dance in the rain.

To cool my temper.

To clear my head, my minds.

I'm a miserable wreck

Work was OK last week. Most of the immediate supervisor treats me invisible.

Like my comments doesn't matter anymore.

Colleagues from the science department were great. They brought me out for Japanese lunch and dinner..

My department? Maybe something small on Friday. These doesn't matter, I just want to be treated with respect and dignity when I'm working here. That it's more important to treat a person well when she is there, not when all is gone and everything is all for appearance sake only.

I'm still hurting inside.

I want to cry and draw a knife into the air.

These are in my head.

i am a broken child. playing in the rain and making the most out of this storm.

losing trust in all

Just to let you know I'm on a low.
Feeling depressed.

HH (my direct supervisor/ boss) made comments about me to others that I'm not mature enough, that I'm resigning because I can't handle stress and can't people manage.

I gave reasons simply that it's time to move and learn new things.

Just partially upset why they would such things about me even if i'm impaired at managing people. Working with people, I'm ok. Maybe i'm just not management level yet.

Still feel awfully down and distrustful.

Yah, that's all.

Trust is a fool

It's official.

I'm out of job in  2 weeks. that's it. 5 years of hard work just reduced to this pathetic state.

I am angry, fuming. My head hurts, could be the flu but my entire body hurts like hell. I slept the entire day. wishing that I wouldn't have to get up of bed, that i could just die.

Lessons I have learn:

1. Never ever trust anyone at work. They just want something from you. They just want to hurt you or use you.

2. Never ever et your boss know about the medical conditions. They look at you with tinted eyes. That when you call in sick, they do no believe you. That you are sick because your depression must be starting again.

They think that my medications affects my work. It doesn't.

I am only on Lamactil and stilnox to sleep.

Occasionally peppered with Xanax.

Stopped Zoloft because it made my hands tremble and seroquel because it made me fuzzy and tired and I needed to work.

I thought they understood, but no, they are prejudiced.

I am nothing but a nut case.

you should see  the looks they give to me. Like have to get out of it.. etc.

That nobody would help you if you don't help yourself.

That you have wasted so much and now just a useless piece of shit.

I thought I was different, they were different, that they can see i'm doing well,just needed more med appointments recently that's all. but they form their own conclusion. it's over i can't work when there' no trust.

I hate JC. She started this, her bootlicking and politics game.

I really hate her.

I am so angry yet useless.

Feeling really lousy

I have been meaning to write but couldn't bcos it just didn't feel comfortable typing a post at work.

I have been bothered by the comment my Dr made about me stabbing myself repeatedly. That if people are out to harm me, they don't have to do much, jut give me the knife and I will do all the job for them. And that me being being paranoid is just walking around the office with tinted glass.

Well, today work went quite alright, HH (my immediate supervisor) was exceptionally friendly bcos I produced detailed work for her in record time. I tried not to get too irrational...

But sometimes, I feel that it's so much easier to convey myself in written words.. Maybe I'm just skilled at masking my emotions if I could, unless on occasions when I'm just a flood gate. But beneath the ok outside persona I could master, i REALLY REALLY feel like SHIT!

I try not to dwell, but my insides hurts. I just feel frustrated, unloved and incompetent. That with all the niceness I get, people are laughing at my inability to handle JC, stress and that I'm a fool who think people genuinely likes me.

You asked, why do I want to hurt myself? If I do so, then where is my pride that I hold so fiercely on to? I want to hurt myself because I hurt so much inside. I don't know why. It's a gnawing pain, emptiness, hopelessness that just aches and hurts. I just want it to stop. I keep seeing myself at the edge of a roof, stabbing myself.. all these images in my head because I can't do it in reality. Or would I?

These images just keep filling me up when I am down. At night, I would cry. I have interrupted sleep because I am so afraid I would be late for a 7AM shift.

I don't know why I care or bother to be good at work. It doesn't matter right?

Anyway I have no idea how to paint this emotions as I am crying as I type this.  

Probably have a shower, watch some TV and get some sleep.

I will be meeting D (my manager) at 930AM tmr, he emailed me asking me to arrange an appointment.

Not too sure if i have other options available. God please tell me what are your plans for me.

I have to go in looking composed and remain cool.

Goodnight.

Someone help before I go crazy

I have been fighting with my hubby.

He does not understand, wants me to leave the job earlier.

But that's losing right?

i'm very angry, very upset.

i want them to pay for what they have done to me.

i want them to suffer.

I want her to suffer. what gives her the right to think that she can come in and take my position and play politics and get the mgt to agree with her?

i want her to get what she deserves. she is a bitch and a low life.

she will not get away.

i have nothing but hatred for her.

i woke up and think why am i still alive?

isn't it easier to be dead?

e talking. that mental cases shd be locked at home.

then i hear her laughing, them laughing.

my heard hurts i feeling horrible.

i want to scream and cry out but nothing comes out.

help me.

someone please help me before I single handedly fall into their trap and ruin the rest of my life...

i am scared.

Lost.

worthless.

terrified.

i want to hid in bed and be safe.

please tell me what i should do...

please.....

Floaty

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 

I wish to go... just the courage to take the pills...

No difference from 2000...

I really put my heart and soul into this job for the last 5 years.

I thought I wouldn't get hurt by people anymore.

But that's just wistful thinking on my part.

It's the same,8 years ago when I was first diagnosed.

My friends left me. Told me they couldn't stand being around me.

And now, this.

I completed my degree, had a scholarship attachment. Completed it ahead of time.

No one knows.

Except my husband.

My beloved supervisor who encourages me and help me when I had a relapse in 2006.

She has left the company.

Now, I am all alone.

I look at the people around me. They just want to gossip.

The new girls just want to be better than me. 

To backstab me, to tell tales about me (well... just JC)

The management? They just lapped it all up.

I'm sure they plotted all these.

They are out to get rid of me.

I have completed so many projects. I get rave reviews from partners, from people that I have trained.

All these while on meds.

And now they tell me drugs affect my moods.

What irony?

I am very confused.

I do not want to give up my job and this income and this sense of self worth... but I feel that I have nothing now.

I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Dammit.

Want more pills and just not wake up.

Hate this feeling.

Discriminations at work

Basically what they are offering is that they are thinking about creating a new role in another dept. It's not a promotion, just different role to learn new things that may help in future jobs search. They are not clear about the exact definition of the role yet as D (who is a Dr and the manager of this unit I'm in) is still thinking abt it and would like to speak to me.  

Seems that HH told him over the phone that I'm resigning over JC. She told me that he thinks I'm immature and would want me to hold on the resignation as he wants to speak to me. That will be next Mon when he is back. I also clarified with HH and she is very certain that there will be no promotion for me this year bcos of my MCs. I dont think its fair. She told me that she is putting me up for consideration end last year, and last week says I definitely fall short due to my "glaring absenteeism" . 

Personally I think they are discriminated abt me. She thinks I'm not to the job of an In Charge becos she needs the In charge to be around at work and if Im going to fall sick and take MCs,I could not fulfill the output. Also, ever since they know abt my condition, now that HH has conned me into revealing to the other 2 supervisor (Y and N), I'm sure they have discussed abt me. Y told me that with the drugs I'm taking, it may have effects on me. That the drugs affected my mood. They only know that I'm on medication, but exactly what drugs, they do not know. 

I don't think its fair and im very angry. Bcos the drugs that I have chose to take has the least side effects. That I would sacrifice and not take the meds if it causes trembling, drowsiness etc. That they assumes that its all due to my drugs! I just think that they do not want to promote me, that all the MCs are excuses. 

Bcos I looked into her eyes and told her that when Im on MC, I was really sick and what would she do if I had chicken pox and had MC for 2 weeks? She just talk abt the MCs=output nonsense. i'm at a loss.. I tot abt how hard I worked for the past year, but it's all my own dreams. I wasn't so determined to get promoted but now she really chose her over me. We all started at a junior position, but she got in at my level.  

It's not abt JC anymore. She still irritates me but now I realized that it's all abt discrimination. That I shd have just saved my dignity and resigned when I was unwell instead of telling the truth. Now I have to endure all these humiliation and relegations to lower statuses.  

Wanted to see my Dr today.. but what do we do? More MCs? That would just proved them that they are very right isn't it?  

Im very depressed.

Cyan Mondays

Last Monday, I tendered my resignation letter, my boss signed it and off I went to see the HR.

On Tuesday and Wednesday... I was called into the office again. We spoke amicably and she informed me that the manager would like to speak to me once he is back from an overseas trip on the 10th Mar. She told me the letter is on hold, I asked if we can't come to any compromise, would my last working be remained on the 28th Mar? She said yes.

There's an opening in anther dept. Still in the thinking mode. Nothing's confirm.

They told me not to be silly , to resign over a f*** up lady.

She is a trigger but i had enough of working.

I pushed myself. Im not considered for promotion this year.. simply because I took my entitled days of 14 days Sick leave, with medical certs. It's not fair, i can't get sick?

SHe know i have other problems and i supposed that are conveniently factored in...

i do not wish to work.

i wish to die.

i hate myself, I want to cut, to take my pills and pray for death.

why am i so tortured?

why??!!

am i?

not too happy abt the previous pot

am i such a person,

it's sad. crazy.

maybe i will work on it

*yawn..

would the med let me sleep?

im tired.

some test i took.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||| 40% Stability |||| 20% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious |||||||||||||||| 70% Hedonism |||||| 30% Materialism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50% Work ethic |||||||||||| 50% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||||| 76% Conflict seeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||||||| 56% Sexuality |||| 16% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37% Histrionic |||||| 30% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Indie |||||||||| 38%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

i so do not like myself what they have analyse

im not a good frind True

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. trait snapshot: introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual To place your results on your own site use the following code:

head hurts, inside hurts

Im not so good.. not so bad. a little calm. but often feel light headed in the morning at around 1030 to 1130. light headed. and when im well in the day, coping well, dealing with her nonsenses and trying the my best not to let her affect me.. not to let people affect me, i would get a terrible headache by the end of the day. mostly occur in the evening. i would feel like im not in my body, light headed, alternating between tired and trembling, heart racing slightly. hand shaking. and yes, nauseous. this has been happening frequently in the last 2 weeks. is my body trying to tell me something? i try to control my attitude . but it's so tiring to fight all these. im tired. yet everyday i have to motivate myself to get of bed sometimes i wish it will end. wish that i don't have to be accountable to so many people. very sad.

Not good

i'm stressed with work.. the people at work.

i'm tired of fighting.. of how my brain is dead tired at the end of the day.

How the bells starts ringing and I can tell that i'm have an attack again.

No one knows. The pain, the noise and the thoughts.

I have to keep it down and wrapped it up.

It's a secret the world can find. And i would lose my job.

tired.

want to cry.

I just want to be happy.

Not to think that I'm useless. Not to cry at every provocation.
I feel ugly and lonely.
I feel stupid.
It's only 8 days pass new year. I'm afraid that I would have a relapse. That this would all would be in vain.
I can't breathe.
I wish I can just die.

I want to sit in a cafe and not work.
Be happy and relax.
I miss how humans feel.. or do I?
This is a privilege of the special cult.